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Thursday, July 06, 2006

I've learned...(Article which appeared in YES Youth Express 20/7/2001)

* That you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is to be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

* That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

* That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

* That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

* Thaty you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

* That you should'nt compare yourself to the best others can do.

* That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

* That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

* That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

* That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

* That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

* That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get up.

* That true friendship continues to grow; even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

* That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

* That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

* That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

* That it is'nt always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

* That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world does'nt stop for your grief.

* That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

* That just because two people argue, it does'nt mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it does't mean they do.

* That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

* That two people can look at the exact same thing and see womething totally different.

* That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

* That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

* That the people you care about most in life are taken from you soon.

-- By Anisha Ravi

Computer Problem

In March 1999 a man living in Newtown near Boston,
Massachusetts, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card
stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away
too. The following month the credit card company sent him a
very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he
didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and
told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time
that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if
there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his
ridiculous predicament.

However, in the first store that he produced his credit
card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had
been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for
the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken
to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company
would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to
pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the
debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to
the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 cheque had
caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could not
now process ANY cheque from ANY of their customers that day because the
cheque for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by
return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

How to drive people insane

How to drive people insane Part 1
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

6. Insist that your e-mail address be, xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com, or
Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chairdancing.

9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

11. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza,doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back,rub your stomach,and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.

13. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.

***
How to drive people insane Part 2
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE

14. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

15. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

16. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

17. Don't use any punctuation

18. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

19. Ask people what sex they are.

20. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

21. Sing along at the opera.

22. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

23. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

AND THE FINAL WAY TO ANNOY PEOPLE:

24 Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

great wisdom

***
GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

***You Are Unique***

Think what a remarkable, unduplicatable,
and miraculous thing it is to be you!
Of all the people who have come and gone
on the earth, since the beginning of time,
not one of them is like you

No one who has ever lived or is to come has
had your combination of abilities, talents,
appearance, friends, acquaintances, burdens,
sorrows and opportunities.

No, one's hair grows exactly the way yours does. No one's finger prints are like yours.
No one has the same combination of secret
inside jokes and family expressions that you know.

The few people who laugh at all the same things you do, don't sneeze the way you do.
No one prays about exactly the same concerns as you do. No one is loved by the same
combination of people that love you

No one before, no one to come.
You are absolutely unique!
Enjoy that uniqueness. You do not have to
pretend in order to seem more like someone else. You weren't meant to be like someone else. You do not have to lie to conceal the parts of you that are not like what you see in anyone else.

You were meant to be different. Nowhere ever
in all of history will the same things be going
on in anyone's mind, soul and spirit as are
going on in yours right now.
If you did not exist, there would be a hole in
creation, a gap in history, something missing
from the plan for humankind.

Treasure your uniqueness. It is a gift given only to you. Enjoy it and share it!
No one can reach out to others in the same way
that you can. No one can speak your words.
No one can convey your meanings. No one can
comfort with your kind of comfort. No one can
bring your kind of understanding to another
person.

No one can be cheerful and lighthearted and
joyous in your way. No one can smile your smile.
No one else can bring the whole unique impact of
you to another human being.

Share your uniqueness. Let it be free to flow out
among your family and friends and people you
meet in the rush and clutter of living wherever you are. That gift of yourself was given you to enjoy
and share.

Give yourself away!
See it! Receive it! Let it tickle you!
Let it inform you and nudge you and inspire you!
You Are Unique
Author Unknown

bill gates in hell

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter : "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

Bill : "Fine, but where should I go first?"

St. Peter : "I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!".

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire". So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by daemons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

some definintions

Some meaningful definitions....

Father :- A banker provided by nature.

Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Rumour :- News that travels at the speed of sound.

Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.

College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.

Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.

Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Marriage :- It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.

Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.

Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.

Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.

Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.

Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher:-A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken off when dead.

Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Software Engineer :- One who is paid for reading this !

Punjab question paper

PUNJAB BOARD COLLEGE EXAM QUESTION PAPER
PART A ( Questions 1 to 19) [This one's slightly more difficult than last year's]

1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)
2. Sex? ( ) Male ( ) Female ( ) Sardar
3. What's your age group? ( ) less than 0 ( ) equal to 0 ( ) greater than 0
4. What is 2 + 2=? ( ) FOUR ( ) 4 ( ) IV
5. If you have one brother, how many brothers does your brother have? ( ) none ( ) one ( ) question is too personal
6. Complete the following sentence... (4 marks) ______ ________ ________ _________ .
7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?
8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question: "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself". Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement? ( ) None ( ) some times ( ) uncountable
9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get: ( ) One rupee? ( ) 100 paise?
10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences... (HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)
11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?
12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrayani Express come?
13. What do you do on a honeymoon? ( ) Collect Honey ( ) Admire Moon ( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon
14. Earth is Flat? ( ) True ( ) Indeed True
15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A? ( ) TRUE ( ) NOT FALSE ( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS
16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?
17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.
18. Complete the following poem: Mary had a little lamb Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or "^")
19. This is question number ( ) 1 ( ) 19 ( ) 20

ECE interview

Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to
carry a current in
A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a
sinusoid)
and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire
has to be
thicker.
--------------
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet
carries AC or DC

Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed
away, it is
AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.
--------------
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an
induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base,
turn the
motor around,and put back the bolts.
--------------
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising
pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling
pitch)
--------------
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an
integrated
circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
--------------
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block
DC but
allow AC To pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK.
DC Comes
straight,like this ----------, and the capacitor stops
it. But
AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the
capacitor!"
-------------
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of
electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down
transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in
the
basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a
transformer that
is installed on the ground?"
(student knows he is caught-can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless
transformer,sir!"_________________________

monkey and hat

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realised was that all his hats were gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The hat-seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. He thinks and thinks and starts scratching his head. The next moment, he realised that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and an himself and the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

If you think you have read this before.......................... read on!!!

Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realised that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realised that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Jack threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still holded on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather?

superviser meaning

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.



Average : Not too bright.

Exceptionally well qualified : Has committed no major blunders to date.

Active socially : Drinks heavily.

Unlimited potential : Will stick with us until retirement.

Quick thinking : Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress : Buys drinks for superiors.

Stern disciplinarian : A real jerk.

Tactful in dealing with superiors : Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Approaches difficult problems with logic : Finds someone else to do the job.

A keen analyst : Thoroughly confused.

Not a desk person : Did not go to college.

Expresses self well : Can string two sentences together.

Spends extra hours on the job : Miserable home life.

Conscientious and careful : Scared.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership : Has a loud voice.

Judgment is usually sound : Lucky.

Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike : A coward.

Slightly below average : Stupid.

Of great value to the organization : Turns in work on time.

Is unusually loyal : Wanted by no-one else.

Alert to company developments : An office gossip.

Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment : Lazy and hard-headed.

Hard worker : Usually does it the hard way.

Enjoys job : Needs more to do.

Happy : Paid too much.

Well organized : Does too much busywork.

Competent : Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Will go far : Relative of management.

Should go far : Please.

Uses time effectively : Clock watcher.

Very creative : Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

why men fear marriage

***
Why men fear marriage?

1. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Before we met.

2. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

3. I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

4. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

5. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

6. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

7. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

8. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

9. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

10. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

11. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

12. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

13. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

14. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

15. A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."