SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give the other to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The Government takes both and shares the milk with you and your neighbor.
FACISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and they sell it back to you.
NAZI-ISM: Government shoots you and takes both cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You milk them and pour the lot down the drain to keep the price up.
SADISM: You have two cows. You shoot them both and drown yourself in the milk.
APARTHEID: You have two cows. You give the black cow's milk to the white cow to drink and don't milk the white cow.
WELFARE STATE: You have two cows. You milk them and give them the milk to drink.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows shoot you and milk each other.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. You fill in 17 forms in triplicate and you don't have time to milk them.
UNITED NATIONS: You have two cows. Russia vetoes the farmer from milking them. Britain and France veto the cows from milking the farmers. USA abstains.
IDEALISM: You have two cows. You marry and your wife milks them.
REALISM: You have two cows. You get married and you still milk them.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Lighterside
Small But Durable
-----------------
In a recent survey in Iceland it was found that men who were 170cm or taller earned 16 per cent more on an average than their shorter colleagues. Taller women too were found to be earning more than shorter colleagues.
This is a finding which has been repeatedly corroborated by surveys, all over the world. Taller people seem to have an edge over shorter ones when it comes to earning money.
Taller men are also more popular with girls. But this is vertically-challenged who may have the last laugh. Latest research shows that the hormone that controls height, called the Insulin-like Growth factor(IGF) also controls agening. A low level of IGF means a longer life expectancy. In other words, shorties live longer.
Says Dr. Armand Leroi, a biologist who works at Imperial College in Ascot, England: "We know that big dogs seem to die early in life while smaller dogs enjoy more longevity. Mice whose growth has been deliberately stunted live up to 75 percent longer than their normal-sized neighbours. Studies show that this link also exists in humans. Many small people have deficiencies in IGF and there is a suggestion that they live longer.
-----------------
In a recent survey in Iceland it was found that men who were 170cm or taller earned 16 per cent more on an average than their shorter colleagues. Taller women too were found to be earning more than shorter colleagues.
This is a finding which has been repeatedly corroborated by surveys, all over the world. Taller people seem to have an edge over shorter ones when it comes to earning money.
Taller men are also more popular with girls. But this is vertically-challenged who may have the last laugh. Latest research shows that the hormone that controls height, called the Insulin-like Growth factor(IGF) also controls agening. A low level of IGF means a longer life expectancy. In other words, shorties live longer.
Says Dr. Armand Leroi, a biologist who works at Imperial College in Ascot, England: "We know that big dogs seem to die early in life while smaller dogs enjoy more longevity. Mice whose growth has been deliberately stunted live up to 75 percent longer than their normal-sized neighbours. Studies show that this link also exists in humans. Many small people have deficiencies in IGF and there is a suggestion that they live longer.
Companies
ETL - Enterprise-Telesys Limited
Enterprisingly Tecnical To The Limit
C-DOT
Coffee During Office Timings
HUGHES
Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
WIPRO
Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
IBM
Implicitly Boring Machines
SATYAM
Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
INFOSYS
INFerior Offline SYStems
PARAM
Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
HP
Hen Pecked
HCL
Hidden Costs & Losses
AT & T
All Troubles & Terrible
CMC
Coffee , Meals and Comfort
DEC
Drifting & Exhausted Computers
BFL
Brainwash First, and Let them go
DELL
Deplorable Equipment & Lack Lusture
TISL
Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd
PSI
Peculiar Symptoms of India
PCL
Poor Computers Ltd
TCS
Tata's Cobol Services,
Totally Confusing Solutions,
Tea,coffee and Stationary ,
Terese Cum Salary
SPARC
Simply Poor And Redundant Computers
SUN
Surely Useless Novelties
CRAY
Cry Repeatedly After an Year
TUL
Troubles Un Limited
CTS
Coffee, Tea and Snacks
ICIM
Impossible Computers In Maintenance
BPL
Below poverty line.
Enterprisingly Tecnical To The Limit
C-DOT
Coffee During Office Timings
HUGHES
Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
WIPRO
Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
IBM
Implicitly Boring Machines
SATYAM
Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
INFOSYS
INFerior Offline SYStems
PARAM
Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
HP
Hen Pecked
HCL
Hidden Costs & Losses
AT & T
All Troubles & Terrible
CMC
Coffee , Meals and Comfort
DEC
Drifting & Exhausted Computers
BFL
Brainwash First, and Let them go
DELL
Deplorable Equipment & Lack Lusture
TISL
Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd
PSI
Peculiar Symptoms of India
PCL
Poor Computers Ltd
TCS
Tata's Cobol Services,
Totally Confusing Solutions,
Tea,coffee and Stationary ,
Terese Cum Salary
SPARC
Simply Poor And Redundant Computers
SUN
Surely Useless Novelties
CRAY
Cry Repeatedly After an Year
TUL
Troubles Un Limited
CTS
Coffee, Tea and Snacks
ICIM
Impossible Computers In Maintenance
BPL
Below poverty line.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Three countries
Three men, a Newfoundlander, a Quebecer and an Albertan were walking along
a country road one day when they came across an old lamp beside the road.
One of them picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out pops a Genie.
The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are three of
you, each of you will get one wish."
The Newfoundlander thought for a moment and then responded, "I'm a
fisherman. My father was a fisherman. And, my grandfather and
great-grandfather before him were fishermen. My son will be a fisherman. I
wish for the oceans to be filled with fish."
The Genie granted the Newfoundlander his wish. Poof! The oceans were
instantly filled with fish.
The Quebecer said, "I wish for a big wall all around Quebec."
Poof! The Genie granted the Quebecer his wish and a huge wall was erected
around the perimeter of Quebec.
The Albertan thought for some time before responding. Finally, he asked,
"Tell me, Genie, how big is this wall around Quebec?"
"The wall is 150 feet high and 50 feet thick," replied the Genie.
"And, nothing can get in or out of the wall."
"Okay, then," replied the Albertan, "fill it up with water!"
a country road one day when they came across an old lamp beside the road.
One of them picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out pops a Genie.
The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are three of
you, each of you will get one wish."
The Newfoundlander thought for a moment and then responded, "I'm a
fisherman. My father was a fisherman. And, my grandfather and
great-grandfather before him were fishermen. My son will be a fisherman. I
wish for the oceans to be filled with fish."
The Genie granted the Newfoundlander his wish. Poof! The oceans were
instantly filled with fish.
The Quebecer said, "I wish for a big wall all around Quebec."
Poof! The Genie granted the Quebecer his wish and a huge wall was erected
around the perimeter of Quebec.
The Albertan thought for some time before responding. Finally, he asked,
"Tell me, Genie, how big is this wall around Quebec?"
"The wall is 150 feet high and 50 feet thick," replied the Genie.
"And, nothing can get in or out of the wall."
"Okay, then," replied the Albertan, "fill it up with water!"
golf and frog
This guy is playing a round of golf. He's about 150 yards from the 16th green. He takes his 7 iron out and lines up his shot.
"Ribet - 6 iron", he hears.
Seeing no one around, he starts to line up his shot again.
"Ribet - 6 iron", he look down and sees a frog talking to him.
"What the heck", he thinks. He takes out his 6 iron and knocks the ball 8 inches from the cup. "Wow", he says, and picks up the frog and carries it to the next hole. The 17th is a 190 yard par 3. The guy gets out his 3 iron.
"Ribet - 3 wood", says the frog. So he takes out the 3 wood and makes a hole in one.
"This frog is incredibly good luck", he thinks to himself. "Frog", he says, "We're going to Vegas!". So, sure enough, with the frog telling him to bet black or red, hit or stand, etc., the guy wins $100,000. He takes the frog up to his hotel room, puts it down, and says, "Frog, you have brought me great luck. I will do anything for you".
"Ribet - kiss me", says the frog.
"What the heck", says the guy. "This is a lucky frog". So, he kisses it, and it turns into the most beautiful 14 year old girl you have ever seen! Honest Judge that's how she got in my room.
"Ribet - 6 iron", he hears.
Seeing no one around, he starts to line up his shot again.
"Ribet - 6 iron", he look down and sees a frog talking to him.
"What the heck", he thinks. He takes out his 6 iron and knocks the ball 8 inches from the cup. "Wow", he says, and picks up the frog and carries it to the next hole. The 17th is a 190 yard par 3. The guy gets out his 3 iron.
"Ribet - 3 wood", says the frog. So he takes out the 3 wood and makes a hole in one.
"This frog is incredibly good luck", he thinks to himself. "Frog", he says, "We're going to Vegas!". So, sure enough, with the frog telling him to bet black or red, hit or stand, etc., the guy wins $100,000. He takes the frog up to his hotel room, puts it down, and says, "Frog, you have brought me great luck. I will do anything for you".
"Ribet - kiss me", says the frog.
"What the heck", says the guy. "This is a lucky frog". So, he kisses it, and it turns into the most beautiful 14 year old girl you have ever seen! Honest Judge that's how she got in my room.
The Chauffeur
One day the Pope is coming to New York in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for once."
The driver thinks to himself, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who the hell is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."
The driver thinks to himself, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who the hell is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."
Thou shall
Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
Thou shall face each problem as it comes--you can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90 percent of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
Thou shall face each problem as it comes--you can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90 percent of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
life lessons
To my kids who have left home and are on their own, I pass on
a list of life lessons:
1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up
for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet
when you're taking a shower.
3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for
your own good," expect the worst.
4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun
it is to be idiotic.
5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't
swallow it whole.
6. When a politician says, "let me make something perfectly
clear, remember that he usually won't.
7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in
your attic and basement forever.
8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put
it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same
room at the same time.
10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You
can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry
on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead. (from Jodi)
a list of life lessons:
1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up
for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet
when you're taking a shower.
3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for
your own good," expect the worst.
4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun
it is to be idiotic.
5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't
swallow it whole.
6. When a politician says, "let me make something perfectly
clear, remember that he usually won't.
7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in
your attic and basement forever.
8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put
it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same
room at the same time.
10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You
can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry
on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead. (from Jodi)
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Romantic Omens
Your marriage will be a happy one if...
*You feed a cat out of one of your shoes just before you are married
*Either of you dreams about your wedding day
*You are married on a beautiful day (rainy weather forecasts a stormy marriage)
*It snows on the day of your wedding
*You see a lamb or a dove on the way to your wedding
*A flock of white birds flies directly over you on your way to the wedding ceremony
*You carry bread in your pocket and throw it away (represents you throwing away your troubles) or give it to someone who is hungry (forecasting good fortune during your marriage, because of your generosity) on your wedding day
*A spider is found crawling on the bride's wedding dress before the two of you are married
*The bride has her hair done, her veil put on, by a happily married woman just before the wedding
*The bridesgroom carries a horseshoe in his pocket during the wedding (a miniature one will do)
*The bride cries on her wedding day (it means she has cried all her tears away)
*You both step into, and leave with your right foot first
*You feed a cat out of one of your shoes just before you are married
*Either of you dreams about your wedding day
*You are married on a beautiful day (rainy weather forecasts a stormy marriage)
*It snows on the day of your wedding
*You see a lamb or a dove on the way to your wedding
*A flock of white birds flies directly over you on your way to the wedding ceremony
*You carry bread in your pocket and throw it away (represents you throwing away your troubles) or give it to someone who is hungry (forecasting good fortune during your marriage, because of your generosity) on your wedding day
*A spider is found crawling on the bride's wedding dress before the two of you are married
*The bride has her hair done, her veil put on, by a happily married woman just before the wedding
*The bridesgroom carries a horseshoe in his pocket during the wedding (a miniature one will do)
*The bride cries on her wedding day (it means she has cried all her tears away)
*You both step into, and leave with your right foot first
Hi Tech worker
How do you know that you are a 'High-Tech' Worker?
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
10% of the people you work with (boss included) -- knows what they do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with satellites"
You read this entire list and understood it.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
10% of the people you work with (boss included) -- knows what they do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with satellites"
You read this entire list and understood it.
Zorro Theme
I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You
(Zorro's theme)
Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming
Race the moon, catch the wind
Ride the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
Heroes rise, heroes fall
Rise again, win it all
In your heart, can't you feel the glory
Through our joy, through our pain
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you
Yeah
Though we know we will never come again
Where there is love, life begins
Over and over again
Save the night, save the day
Save the love, come what may
Love is worth everything we pay
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you
Loving you. yeah
(Zorro's theme)
Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming
Race the moon, catch the wind
Ride the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
Heroes rise, heroes fall
Rise again, win it all
In your heart, can't you feel the glory
Through our joy, through our pain
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you
Yeah
Though we know we will never come again
Where there is love, life begins
Over and over again
Save the night, save the day
Save the love, come what may
Love is worth everything we pay
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you
Loving you. yeah
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