Kashmir on sale: Laloo
There is an emergency election in India and Laloo runs for the election on the campaign promise "I will solve the J & K problem with Pakistan in one WEEK!"
Because of the political equations he ends up becoming the Prime Minister.
As promised, he decides to meet the Pakistan's premier to hold talks on J & K. Both Laloo and Musharraf huddle in a meeting for 30 minutes. As they come out Musharraf announces that they are withdrawing support to the militants and J & K is India's to keep! Everyone is excited!
One reporter asks Laloo as to how he did it!
Laloo replies: I put J & K on sale. It's just like you "buy a TV and you get a camera free" kind a deal. I told Musharraf to take J & K and he will get Bihar for free!
Laloo to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "just a minute, sir ..."
Laloo: "THANK YOU", and puts down the phone.
At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
And the man's companion says,"JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO PRASAD, MARRIED."
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Laloo brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims."YOU ARE A FOOL".
Laloo replies. "SEE THIS CARTOON, IT IS WRITTEN-"FOR 4-7 YRS".
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modeling. On one occasion, he enters a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION!!
LALOO, THIRD FROM LEFT.
Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state.Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan."
Laloo was very surprised."You Japanese are very "inefficient", he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"
***
During an International conference, three scientists, an American, a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine. The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he's grown up and became an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist !"
The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have achieved. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time Olympics marathon gold medalist !"
The Indian interjected " Is that all you have achieved, just gold medalists? In Patna, Bihar we had a baby boy born without a HEAD ! We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up and now he is the Chief Minister of State of Bihar !"
Thursday, August 03, 2006
To my friend
To My Friends Who Are............MARRIED
Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry",
not "where are you' but "I'm right here",
not "how could you" but "I understand",
not "I wish you were", but "I'm thankful you are."
To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
The true measure of compatibility is not the years
spent together but How good you are for each other.
To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE
Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect
person." It's About finding someone who helps you
become the best person you can be.
To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep
as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to
survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.
To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be
consistent but not too persistent, share and never be
unfair, understand and try not to demand, and
get hurt but never keep the pain.
To My Friends Who Are............SEARCHING
True love cannot be found where it does not truly
exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does. Love
is magic. The more we hide it, the more it
shows; the more you suppress it, the more it grows.
To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE
Never say I love if you don't care. Never talk about
feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if
you mean to break a heart. Never look in the
eye when what you do is lie. The cruelest thing a
person can do to another, is to let them fall in love
when they don't intend to catch their fall.
To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy
with someone else But it's more painful to know that
the one you love is unhappy with you.
To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts
even more when someone breaks up with you. But love
hurts the most when the person you love has no
idea how you feel.
To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone
who means a lot To you, only to find out in the end
that it was never meant to be and we Just have
to let go.
To My Friends Who Are............SINGLE
Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the
more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it
would come to you when you least expect it.
Love can make you happy but often times it hurts,
but love's only special when you give it to someone
who is worth it. So take your time and choose
the best.
Love is not about "it's your fault", but "I'm sorry",
not "where are you' but "I'm right here",
not "how could you" but "I understand",
not "I wish you were", but "I'm thankful you are."
To My Friends Who Are............ENGAGED
The true measure of compatibility is not the years
spent together but How good you are for each other.
To My Friends Who Are............NOT SO SINGLE
Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect
person." It's About finding someone who helps you
become the best person you can be.
To My Friends Who Are............HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep
as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to
survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.
To My Friends Who Are............NAIVE
How to be in love: Fall but don't stumble, be
consistent but not too persistent, share and never be
unfair, understand and try not to demand, and
get hurt but never keep the pain.
To My Friends Who Are............SEARCHING
True love cannot be found where it does not truly
exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does. Love
is magic. The more we hide it, the more it
shows; the more you suppress it, the more it grows.
To My Friends Who Are............PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE
Never say I love if you don't care. Never talk about
feelings if they aren't there. Never touch a life if
you mean to break a heart. Never look in the
eye when what you do is lie. The cruelest thing a
person can do to another, is to let them fall in love
when they don't intend to catch their fall.
To My Friends Who Are............POSSESSIVE
It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy
with someone else But it's more painful to know that
the one you love is unhappy with you.
To My Friends Who Are............AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts
even more when someone breaks up with you. But love
hurts the most when the person you love has no
idea how you feel.
To My Friends Who Are............STILL HOLDING ON
A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone
who means a lot To you, only to find out in the end
that it was never meant to be and we Just have
to let go.
To My Friends Who Are............SINGLE
Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the
more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it
would come to you when you least expect it.
Love can make you happy but often times it hurts,
but love's only special when you give it to someone
who is worth it. So take your time and choose
the best.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
I've learned...(Article which appeared in YES Youth Express 20/7/2001)
* That you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is to be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
* That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
* That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
* That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
* Thaty you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
* That you should'nt compare yourself to the best others can do.
* That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
* That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
* That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
* That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
* That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
* That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get up.
* That true friendship continues to grow; even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
* That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
* That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
* That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
* That it is'nt always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
* That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world does'nt stop for your grief.
* That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
* That just because two people argue, it does'nt mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it does't mean they do.
* That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
* That two people can look at the exact same thing and see womething totally different.
* That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
* That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
* That the people you care about most in life are taken from you soon.
-- By Anisha Ravi
* That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
* That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
* That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
* Thaty you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
* That you should'nt compare yourself to the best others can do.
* That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
* That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
* That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
* That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
* That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
* That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get up.
* That true friendship continues to grow; even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
* That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
* That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
* That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
* That it is'nt always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
* That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world does'nt stop for your grief.
* That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
* That just because two people argue, it does'nt mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it does't mean they do.
* That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
* That two people can look at the exact same thing and see womething totally different.
* That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
* That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
* That the people you care about most in life are taken from you soon.
-- By Anisha Ravi
Computer Problem
In March 1999 a man living in Newtown near Boston,
Massachusetts, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card
stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away
too. The following month the credit card company sent him a
very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he
didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and
told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time
that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if
there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his
ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit
card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had
been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for
the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken
to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company
would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to
pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the
debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to
the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 cheque had
caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could not
now process ANY cheque from ANY of their customers that day because the
cheque for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by
return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Massachusetts, received a bill for his as yet unused credit card
stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another and threw that one away
too. The following month the credit card company sent him a
very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he
didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and
told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time
that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if
there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his
ridiculous predicament.
However, in the first store that he produced his credit
card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had
been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for
the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken
to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company
would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to
pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the
debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to
the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a cheque for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 cheque had
caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could not
now process ANY cheque from ANY of their customers that day because the
cheque for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by
return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
How to drive people insane
How to drive people insane Part 1
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
6. Insist that your e-mail address be, xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com, or
Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chairdancing.
9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
11. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza,doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back,rub your stomach,and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
13. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
***
How to drive people insane Part 2
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
14. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
15. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
16. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
17. Don't use any punctuation
18. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
19. Ask people what sex they are.
20. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
21. Sing along at the opera.
22. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
23. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
AND THE FINAL WAY TO ANNOY PEOPLE:
24 Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
3. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
6. Insist that your e-mail address be, xena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com, or
Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chairdancing.
9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
11. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza,doughnuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back,rub your stomach,and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
12. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
13. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
***
How to drive people insane Part 2
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE
14. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
15. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
16. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
17. Don't use any punctuation
18. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
19. Ask people what sex they are.
20. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
21. Sing along at the opera.
22. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
23. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
AND THE FINAL WAY TO ANNOY PEOPLE:
24 Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
great wisdom
***
GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
GREAT WISDOM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
***You Are Unique***
Think what a remarkable, unduplicatable,
and miraculous thing it is to be you!
Of all the people who have come and gone
on the earth, since the beginning of time,
not one of them is like you
No one who has ever lived or is to come has
had your combination of abilities, talents,
appearance, friends, acquaintances, burdens,
sorrows and opportunities.
No, one's hair grows exactly the way yours does. No one's finger prints are like yours.
No one has the same combination of secret
inside jokes and family expressions that you know.
The few people who laugh at all the same things you do, don't sneeze the way you do.
No one prays about exactly the same concerns as you do. No one is loved by the same
combination of people that love you
No one before, no one to come.
You are absolutely unique!
Enjoy that uniqueness. You do not have to
pretend in order to seem more like someone else. You weren't meant to be like someone else. You do not have to lie to conceal the parts of you that are not like what you see in anyone else.
You were meant to be different. Nowhere ever
in all of history will the same things be going
on in anyone's mind, soul and spirit as are
going on in yours right now.
If you did not exist, there would be a hole in
creation, a gap in history, something missing
from the plan for humankind.
Treasure your uniqueness. It is a gift given only to you. Enjoy it and share it!
No one can reach out to others in the same way
that you can. No one can speak your words.
No one can convey your meanings. No one can
comfort with your kind of comfort. No one can
bring your kind of understanding to another
person.
No one can be cheerful and lighthearted and
joyous in your way. No one can smile your smile.
No one else can bring the whole unique impact of
you to another human being.
Share your uniqueness. Let it be free to flow out
among your family and friends and people you
meet in the rush and clutter of living wherever you are. That gift of yourself was given you to enjoy
and share.
Give yourself away!
See it! Receive it! Let it tickle you!
Let it inform you and nudge you and inspire you!
You Are Unique
Author Unknown
and miraculous thing it is to be you!
Of all the people who have come and gone
on the earth, since the beginning of time,
not one of them is like you
No one who has ever lived or is to come has
had your combination of abilities, talents,
appearance, friends, acquaintances, burdens,
sorrows and opportunities.
No, one's hair grows exactly the way yours does. No one's finger prints are like yours.
No one has the same combination of secret
inside jokes and family expressions that you know.
The few people who laugh at all the same things you do, don't sneeze the way you do.
No one prays about exactly the same concerns as you do. No one is loved by the same
combination of people that love you
No one before, no one to come.
You are absolutely unique!
Enjoy that uniqueness. You do not have to
pretend in order to seem more like someone else. You weren't meant to be like someone else. You do not have to lie to conceal the parts of you that are not like what you see in anyone else.
You were meant to be different. Nowhere ever
in all of history will the same things be going
on in anyone's mind, soul and spirit as are
going on in yours right now.
If you did not exist, there would be a hole in
creation, a gap in history, something missing
from the plan for humankind.
Treasure your uniqueness. It is a gift given only to you. Enjoy it and share it!
No one can reach out to others in the same way
that you can. No one can speak your words.
No one can convey your meanings. No one can
comfort with your kind of comfort. No one can
bring your kind of understanding to another
person.
No one can be cheerful and lighthearted and
joyous in your way. No one can smile your smile.
No one else can bring the whole unique impact of
you to another human being.
Share your uniqueness. Let it be free to flow out
among your family and friends and people you
meet in the rush and clutter of living wherever you are. That gift of yourself was given you to enjoy
and share.
Give yourself away!
See it! Receive it! Let it tickle you!
Let it inform you and nudge you and inspire you!
You Are Unique
Author Unknown
bill gates in hell
Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter : "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
Bill : "Fine, but where should I go first?"
St. Peter : "I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!".
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire". So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by daemons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter : "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
Bill : "Fine, but where should I go first?"
St. Peter : "I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!".
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire". So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by daemons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
some definintions
Some meaningful definitions....
Father :- A banker provided by nature.
Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumour :- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Marriage :- It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.
Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.
Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:-A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken off when dead.
Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Software Engineer :- One who is paid for reading this !
Father :- A banker provided by nature.
Boss :- Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Smile :- A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Rumour :- News that travels at the speed of sound.
Dictionary:- The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College :- A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Office :- A place where you can relax after your strenuous homelife.
Yawn :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Marriage :- It is an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master's.
Etc. :- A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee :- Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic :- A book which people praise, but do not read.
Worry :- Interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
Experience:- The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears :- The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom Bomb :- An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher:-A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken off when dead.
Diplomat :- A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Optimist :- A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY
Miser :- A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Criminal :- A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Politician:- One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor :- A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Software Engineer :- One who is paid for reading this !
Punjab question paper
PUNJAB BOARD COLLEGE EXAM QUESTION PAPER
PART A ( Questions 1 to 19) [This one's slightly more difficult than last year's]
1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)
2. Sex? ( ) Male ( ) Female ( ) Sardar
3. What's your age group? ( ) less than 0 ( ) equal to 0 ( ) greater than 0
4. What is 2 + 2=? ( ) FOUR ( ) 4 ( ) IV
5. If you have one brother, how many brothers does your brother have? ( ) none ( ) one ( ) question is too personal
6. Complete the following sentence... (4 marks) ______ ________ ________ _________ .
7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?
8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question: "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself". Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement? ( ) None ( ) some times ( ) uncountable
9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get: ( ) One rupee? ( ) 100 paise?
10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences... (HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)
11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?
12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrayani Express come?
13. What do you do on a honeymoon? ( ) Collect Honey ( ) Admire Moon ( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon
14. Earth is Flat? ( ) True ( ) Indeed True
15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A? ( ) TRUE ( ) NOT FALSE ( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS
16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?
17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.
18. Complete the following poem: Mary had a little lamb Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or "^")
19. This is question number ( ) 1 ( ) 19 ( ) 20
PART A ( Questions 1 to 19) [This one's slightly more difficult than last year's]
1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric digits or "_" allowed)
2. Sex? ( ) Male ( ) Female ( ) Sardar
3. What's your age group? ( ) less than 0 ( ) equal to 0 ( ) greater than 0
4. What is 2 + 2=? ( ) FOUR ( ) 4 ( ) IV
5. If you have one brother, how many brothers does your brother have? ( ) none ( ) one ( ) question is too personal
6. Complete the following sentence... (4 marks) ______ ________ ________ _________ .
7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?
8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question: "My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself". Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement? ( ) None ( ) some times ( ) uncountable
9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get: ( ) One rupee? ( ) 100 paise?
10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences... (HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1]). I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)
11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?
12. At what time does the 11.16 Indrayani Express come?
13. What do you do on a honeymoon? ( ) Collect Honey ( ) Admire Moon ( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon
14. Earth is Flat? ( ) True ( ) Indeed True
15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A? ( ) TRUE ( ) NOT FALSE ( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS
16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?
17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.
18. Complete the following poem: Mary had a little lamb Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or "^")
19. This is question number ( ) 1 ( ) 19 ( ) 20
ECE interview
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to
carry a current in
A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a
sinusoid)
and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire
has to be
thicker.
--------------
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet
carries AC or DC
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed
away, it is
AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.
--------------
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an
induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base,
turn the
motor around,and put back the bolts.
--------------
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising
pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling
pitch)
--------------
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an
integrated
circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
--------------
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block
DC but
allow AC To pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK.
DC Comes
straight,like this ----------, and the capacitor stops
it. But
AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the
capacitor!"
-------------
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of
electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down
transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in
the
basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a
transformer that
is installed on the ground?"
(student knows he is caught-can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless
transformer,sir!"_________________________
carry a current in
A.C.as compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a
sinusoid)
and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire
has to be
thicker.
--------------
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet
carries AC or DC
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed
away, it is
AC. If it gets stuck, it was DC.
--------------
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an
induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base,
turn the
motor around,and put back the bolts.
--------------
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising
pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling
pitch)
--------------
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an
integrated
circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
--------------
External (to student) : " Why does a capacitor block
DC but
allow AC To pass through ?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this ---| |--- , OK.
DC Comes
straight,like this ----------, and the capacitor stops
it. But
AC,goes UP, DOWN, UP DOWN and jumps right over the
capacitor!"
-------------
Examiner : "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student : "A transformer that is put on top of
electric poles."
Examiner (smiling): "And then what is a step-down
transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):"Uh - A transfomer that is put in
the
basement or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing): "Then what do you call a
transformer that
is installed on the ground?"
(student knows he is caught-can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently): "Well?"
Student (triumphantly): "A stepless
transformer,sir!"_________________________
monkey and hat
There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realised was that all his hats were gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The hat-seller sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. He thinks and thinks and starts scratching his head. The next moment, he realised that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and an himself and the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
If you think you have read this before.......................... read on!!!
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realised that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realised that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Jack threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still holded on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather?
If you think you have read this before.......................... read on!!!
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realised that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realised that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, Jack threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still holded on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather?
superviser meaning
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
Average : Not too bright.
Exceptionally well qualified : Has committed no major blunders to date.
Active socially : Drinks heavily.
Unlimited potential : Will stick with us until retirement.
Quick thinking : Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress : Buys drinks for superiors.
Stern disciplinarian : A real jerk.
Tactful in dealing with superiors : Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Approaches difficult problems with logic : Finds someone else to do the job.
A keen analyst : Thoroughly confused.
Not a desk person : Did not go to college.
Expresses self well : Can string two sentences together.
Spends extra hours on the job : Miserable home life.
Conscientious and careful : Scared.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership : Has a loud voice.
Judgment is usually sound : Lucky.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike : A coward.
Slightly below average : Stupid.
Of great value to the organization : Turns in work on time.
Is unusually loyal : Wanted by no-one else.
Alert to company developments : An office gossip.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment : Lazy and hard-headed.
Hard worker : Usually does it the hard way.
Enjoys job : Needs more to do.
Happy : Paid too much.
Well organized : Does too much busywork.
Competent : Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Will go far : Relative of management.
Should go far : Please.
Uses time effectively : Clock watcher.
Very creative : Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Average : Not too bright.
Exceptionally well qualified : Has committed no major blunders to date.
Active socially : Drinks heavily.
Unlimited potential : Will stick with us until retirement.
Quick thinking : Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress : Buys drinks for superiors.
Stern disciplinarian : A real jerk.
Tactful in dealing with superiors : Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Approaches difficult problems with logic : Finds someone else to do the job.
A keen analyst : Thoroughly confused.
Not a desk person : Did not go to college.
Expresses self well : Can string two sentences together.
Spends extra hours on the job : Miserable home life.
Conscientious and careful : Scared.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership : Has a loud voice.
Judgment is usually sound : Lucky.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike : A coward.
Slightly below average : Stupid.
Of great value to the organization : Turns in work on time.
Is unusually loyal : Wanted by no-one else.
Alert to company developments : An office gossip.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment : Lazy and hard-headed.
Hard worker : Usually does it the hard way.
Enjoys job : Needs more to do.
Happy : Paid too much.
Well organized : Does too much busywork.
Competent : Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Will go far : Relative of management.
Should go far : Please.
Uses time effectively : Clock watcher.
Very creative : Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
why men fear marriage
***
Why men fear marriage?
1. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Before we met.
2. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
3. I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
4. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
5. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
6. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
7. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
8. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
9. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
10. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
11. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
12. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
13. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
14. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
15. A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."
Why men fear marriage?
1. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Before we met.
2. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
3. I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
4. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
5. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
6. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
7. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
8. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
9. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
10. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
11. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
12. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
13. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
14. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
15. A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."
Saturday, July 01, 2006
3q
I am going to ask you three questions. And you have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time you have to answer
immediately. O.K.?
Let's find just how clever you really are ........ Ready? GO
!!!!!
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake
the second. What position do you finish?
NOW! See the answer below..
Answer: If you answer that you arrived first, then you are
absolutely wrong!!! because you overtake the second and you
take his place so you arrived second!!! !!
To answer the second question don't take as much time as you
took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake
the last then you arrive...?
Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you
are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last if he
was last!!!! The question is wrong! You're not very good at
this are you???
Third Question Subject: *Very very Tricky maths! Note: This
riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and
a pen. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total? (scroll down for answer)
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don' t
believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence
confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimals
(100s instead of 10s).
That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!!
You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
And finally ... Quote for the day: "Computer games don't
affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all
be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and
listening to repetitive electronic music."
them instantly. You can't take your time you have to answer
immediately. O.K.?
Let's find just how clever you really are ........ Ready? GO
!!!!!
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake
the second. What position do you finish?
NOW! See the answer below..
Answer: If you answer that you arrived first, then you are
absolutely wrong!!! because you overtake the second and you
take his place so you arrived second!!! !!
To answer the second question don't take as much time as you
took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake
the last then you arrive...?
Answer: If you answer that you arrived second last then you
are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last if he
was last!!!! The question is wrong! You're not very good at
this are you???
Third Question Subject: *Very very Tricky maths! Note: This
riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paper and
a pen. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total? (scroll down for answer)
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don' t
believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence
confuses our brain, that always jumps to the highest decimals
(100s instead of 10s).
That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!!
You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
And finally ... Quote for the day: "Computer games don't
affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all
be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and
listening to repetitive electronic music."
haikoo
Some programmers in Japan have replaced the impersonal and
unhelpful
Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poems.
Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only
three lines,
17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the
second, five
in the third.
Haiku's are used to communicate a timeless message, often
achieving a
wistful yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity
- the essence
of Zen.
Here are the new error messages, haiku style:
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The website you seek
Cannot be located,
But countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen.
Mind. Both are blank.
(from Kate Armstrong)
unhelpful
Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poems.
Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only
three lines,
17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the
second, five
in the third.
Haiku's are used to communicate a timeless message, often
achieving a
wistful yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity
- the essence
of Zen.
Here are the new error messages, haiku style:
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The website you seek
Cannot be located,
But countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen.
Mind. Both are blank.
(from Kate Armstrong)
***Three Turtles***
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a
picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled
sodas, and sandwiches. The
trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles
take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive,
everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket,
one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'all right,
Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle
opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets
worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle
opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck
ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond
to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses,
knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond
to go, swearing on their great grand turtles' graves that they
won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and
puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and
still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more
days pass without Raymond in sight,
Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a
hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We
promised.' Five more days pass.
Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner
down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a
sandwich, and
open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant,
Raymond
pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!, That's it!
I'm not going.'
picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled
sodas, and sandwiches. The
trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles
take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive,
everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket,
one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'all right,
Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle
opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets
worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle
opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck
ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond
to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses,
knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond
to go, swearing on their great grand turtles' graves that they
won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and
puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and
still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more
days pass without Raymond in sight,
Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a
hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We
promised.' Five more days pass.
Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner
down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a
sandwich, and
open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant,
Raymond
pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!, That's it!
I'm not going.'
Young and old
Young Man : Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man : Certainly not.
Young Man : Sir, but why ? What are you going to
loose, if you tell me
the time.?
Old Man : Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the
time.
Young Man : But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will
definitely thank me and
may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.
Young Man : Quite possible.
Old Man : May be we meet two three times more and you
will ask my name
and address.
Young Man : Quite possible.
Old Man : One day you may come to my house saying you
were just passing
by and came in to wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will
offer you a cup
of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to
come again. This
time you will appreciate tea and ask as to who has
made it.?
Young Man : Possible
Old Man : Then I will tell you that my daughter has
made it and I will
then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to
you.You will
admire my daughter.
Young Man : Smiles.
Old Man : Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter
again and again.
You will offer her to go out for a movie together
Young Man : Smiles
Old Man : My daughter may start liking you and start
waiting for you.
After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her
and
propose her for marriage.
Young Man : Smiles
Old Man : One day both of you will come to me and tell
me about your
love and ask for my permission.
Young Man : Oh Yes! and smiles.
Old Man : (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my
daughter to a
person like you who does not even own a watch.
Young Man : Shocked
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Old Man : Certainly not.
Young Man : Sir, but why ? What are you going to
loose, if you tell me
the time.?
Old Man : Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the
time.
Young Man : But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will
definitely thank me and
may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.
Young Man : Quite possible.
Old Man : May be we meet two three times more and you
will ask my name
and address.
Young Man : Quite possible.
Old Man : One day you may come to my house saying you
were just passing
by and came in to wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will
offer you a cup
of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to
come again. This
time you will appreciate tea and ask as to who has
made it.?
Young Man : Possible
Old Man : Then I will tell you that my daughter has
made it and I will
then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to
you.You will
admire my daughter.
Young Man : Smiles.
Old Man : Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter
again and again.
You will offer her to go out for a movie together
Young Man : Smiles
Old Man : My daughter may start liking you and start
waiting for you.
After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her
and
propose her for marriage.
Young Man : Smiles
Old Man : One day both of you will come to me and tell
me about your
love and ask for my permission.
Young Man : Oh Yes! and smiles.
Old Man : (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my
daughter to a
person like you who does not even own a watch.
Young Man : Shocked
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cellphone in the Locker room
There are several men in the locker room of a private club
after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the
benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
beautiful mink coat... it is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy
it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we
need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What
price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning
and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on
sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of
park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $850,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have
that much in
the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $820,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand
while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the
benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a
beautiful mink coat... it is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy
it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the
salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we
need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." "What
price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank
account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning
and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on
sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of
park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $850,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have
that much in
the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $820,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand
while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
*** The Notes ***
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them could accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple liked the suggestion and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple liked the suggestion and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
-=- Letters -=-
***
This morning as I rose from bed and saw the sun above,
I softly said "Good Morning God, bless everyone I love".
And right away I thought of you and said a loving prayer
That He would bless you especially and keep you from care.
I thought of all the happiness your day could hold in store;
And wished it all for you, because no one deserves it more.
I felt so warm and good inside, my heart was all aglow
I know God heard my prayer for you,
He hears them all you know.
***
Today when I signed online,
I was happy and pleased to see.
That in my incoming mail,
Was a letter from you to me.
I love the cards you send me
And all the giggles too!
But the biggest thrill of all,
Was seeing it came from you.
Now we don't talk that much
So letters and cards say it all.
But I want you to know they're special
No matter how big or small.
So keep the e-mail coming
I love it ever so much.
And know its really appreciated,
Whenever you keep in touch! ;-)
***
My ABC's of Friendship...
Always There For You!
Brighten The Days!
Caring & Considerate!
Delightful To Know!
Encouraging Hearts!
Forever Friends!
Generosity!
Honest & Trustworthy!
Integrity!
Joking Around!
Kindhearted!
Life, Love & Laughter!
Miles Make No Difference!
Neverending Support!
Open Talks!
Precious To Me!
Quiet Times Too!
ROFLMAO With You!
Sharing Pieces of Our Souls!
Thank You, For Being You!
Understanding Ways!
Valuable Gift Of Friendship!
Wonderful Person You Are!
X's, O's & Bunches Of Love!
You Are So Special!
Zany Times & Zest For Life!
***
This morning as I rose from bed and saw the sun above,
I softly said "Good Morning God, bless everyone I love".
And right away I thought of you and said a loving prayer
That He would bless you especially and keep you from care.
I thought of all the happiness your day could hold in store;
And wished it all for you, because no one deserves it more.
I felt so warm and good inside, my heart was all aglow
I know God heard my prayer for you,
He hears them all you know.
***
Today when I signed online,
I was happy and pleased to see.
That in my incoming mail,
Was a letter from you to me.
I love the cards you send me
And all the giggles too!
But the biggest thrill of all,
Was seeing it came from you.
Now we don't talk that much
So letters and cards say it all.
But I want you to know they're special
No matter how big or small.
So keep the e-mail coming
I love it ever so much.
And know its really appreciated,
Whenever you keep in touch! ;-)
***
My ABC's of Friendship...
Always There For You!
Brighten The Days!
Caring & Considerate!
Delightful To Know!
Encouraging Hearts!
Forever Friends!
Generosity!
Honest & Trustworthy!
Integrity!
Joking Around!
Kindhearted!
Life, Love & Laughter!
Miles Make No Difference!
Neverending Support!
Open Talks!
Precious To Me!
Quiet Times Too!
ROFLMAO With You!
Sharing Pieces of Our Souls!
Thank You, For Being You!
Understanding Ways!
Valuable Gift Of Friendship!
Wonderful Person You Are!
X's, O's & Bunches Of Love!
You Are So Special!
Zany Times & Zest For Life!
***
Let's PARTY
A research conducted on a herd of wild African buffalo shows that the herd can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.
HEE HEE
SO HURRY
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.
HEE HEE
SO HURRY
*** Nightmares ***
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The
next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The
next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die.
After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
-=- Sony -=-
Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said,
"We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
"We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless more exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Astrology Passion Guide
ARIES: Seeks to satisfy themselves sexually. Selfish in sex.
TAURUS: Prefers sensual lovemaking.
GEMINI: Looking for the passion in an unusual way.
CANCER: Searching for the long term passion.
LEO: Likes to be worshipped, hot to handle.
VIRGO: Slow, carefull and cautious.
LIBRA: Likes the extended foreplay.
SCORPIO: Quick to love and quick to leave.
SAGITTARIUS: The more encounters the better.
CAPRICORN: Mind will be on other matters.
AQUARIUS: Needs a partner for adventure.
PISCES: Turns it on all the way.
*The Astrological Lust Guide*
Wondering how to satisfy your lover's ardent feelings? Keep reading for insight into the passionate nature of the Signs.
Aries seeks to gratify themselves.
Taurus tends to massage their partner slowly and sensually.
Gemini wants to write no-frills poetry, hoping for a menage-a-trois.
Cancer craves holding on to something for a very long time.
Leo likes to prance about and be admired before anything happens.
Virgo is into taking a shower, inspecting their fingernails and preparing hygienically for an evening of safe sex.
Libra desires to watch a romantic movie while smooching on the couch.
Scorpio starts the encounter at 5 in the evening and doesn't end it until three days later.
Sagittarius wants to have as many casual encounters as possible.
Capricorn's idea of foreplay is working on spreadsheets.
Aquarius is into holding hands while jumping from a plane.
Pisces wants to get wet and wild
TAURUS: Prefers sensual lovemaking.
GEMINI: Looking for the passion in an unusual way.
CANCER: Searching for the long term passion.
LEO: Likes to be worshipped, hot to handle.
VIRGO: Slow, carefull and cautious.
LIBRA: Likes the extended foreplay.
SCORPIO: Quick to love and quick to leave.
SAGITTARIUS: The more encounters the better.
CAPRICORN: Mind will be on other matters.
AQUARIUS: Needs a partner for adventure.
PISCES: Turns it on all the way.
*The Astrological Lust Guide*
Wondering how to satisfy your lover's ardent feelings? Keep reading for insight into the passionate nature of the Signs.
Aries seeks to gratify themselves.
Taurus tends to massage their partner slowly and sensually.
Gemini wants to write no-frills poetry, hoping for a menage-a-trois.
Cancer craves holding on to something for a very long time.
Leo likes to prance about and be admired before anything happens.
Virgo is into taking a shower, inspecting their fingernails and preparing hygienically for an evening of safe sex.
Libra desires to watch a romantic movie while smooching on the couch.
Scorpio starts the encounter at 5 in the evening and doesn't end it until three days later.
Sagittarius wants to have as many casual encounters as possible.
Capricorn's idea of foreplay is working on spreadsheets.
Aquarius is into holding hands while jumping from a plane.
Pisces wants to get wet and wild
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Ticketless In NewYork
Three lawyers and three software engineers were on their way to a conference in New York. At the railway station the three lawyers bought a ticket each but the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
"How will three of you travel on a single ticket?" asked the lawyers.
"Wait and see," said the engineers.
They boarded the train together. The lawyers took their seats but the engineers locked themselves in the toilet.
Shortly after the train started the conductor came to collect the tickets. He knocked on the door of the toilet and demanded, "Ticket please!" The door opened just a crack, and a hand emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took the ticket and moved on. Thereupon the enginners came out and occupied whatever seats were available. The lawyers were impressed.
The two groups met at the railway station on the return journey too. This time the lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The engineers bought no ticket at all.
"How will you manage without a ticket?" asked the lawyers bewildered. "Wait and see," said the engineers.
On boarding the train, the lawyers made a beeline for the toilet. They rushed in and locked themselves in. The engineers locked themselves in the other toilet.
When the train started moving out of the station one of the engineers came out of the toilet and knocked on the door of the other toilet.
"Ticket please!" he said. The door opened a crack, and a hand emerged and handed him the ticket.
"How will three of you travel on a single ticket?" asked the lawyers.
"Wait and see," said the engineers.
They boarded the train together. The lawyers took their seats but the engineers locked themselves in the toilet.
Shortly after the train started the conductor came to collect the tickets. He knocked on the door of the toilet and demanded, "Ticket please!" The door opened just a crack, and a hand emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took the ticket and moved on. Thereupon the enginners came out and occupied whatever seats were available. The lawyers were impressed.
The two groups met at the railway station on the return journey too. This time the lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The engineers bought no ticket at all.
"How will you manage without a ticket?" asked the lawyers bewildered. "Wait and see," said the engineers.
On boarding the train, the lawyers made a beeline for the toilet. They rushed in and locked themselves in. The engineers locked themselves in the other toilet.
When the train started moving out of the station one of the engineers came out of the toilet and knocked on the door of the other toilet.
"Ticket please!" he said. The door opened a crack, and a hand emerged and handed him the ticket.
Golfer Goes to Confession
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word".
The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I
duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word".
The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I
duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
ABE LINCOLN / JOHN F KENNEDY
Have a history teacher explain this ---- If he can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the
White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
>Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named
Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born
in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born
in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a
warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a
theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their
trials.
And here's the kicker.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in
Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with
Marilyn Monroe.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the
White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
>Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named
Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born
in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born
in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a
warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a
theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their
trials.
And here's the kicker.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in
Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with
Marilyn Monroe.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Best mail ....
Nominated the best e-mail of 1999, the following is to be read aloud(for full effect).
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service(RS) : "Morny. Ruin Sorbees."
Guest(G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"
RS : "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...Morny! Djewish to ordor sumteen?"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS : "Ow July dem?"
G : "What?"
RS : "Ow July dem?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee baycem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "I dont't think so."
RS : "No? Judo one toes???"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means."
RS : "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "toast". Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS : "We bother??"
G : "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS : "Wad??"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy??"
G : "Sorry?"
RS : "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Assruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baycem, tossy singlish, mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye???"
G : "Whatever you say!!"
RS : "Tendjewberrtmud"
G : "You're welcome!!"
Have you understood everyword that's been said?
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service(RS) : "Morny. Ruin Sorbees."
Guest(G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"
RS : "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...Morny! Djewish to ordor sumteen?"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS : "Ow July dem?"
G : "What?"
RS : "Ow July dem?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee baycem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "I dont't think so."
RS : "No? Judo one toes???"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means."
RS : "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "toast". Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS : "We bother??"
G : "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS : "Wad??"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy??"
G : "Sorry?"
RS : "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Assruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baycem, tossy singlish, mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye???"
G : "Whatever you say!!"
RS : "Tendjewberrtmud"
G : "You're welcome!!"
Have you understood everyword that's been said?
Definitions for KISS
Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinite because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinite because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE...
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module,
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small
step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to
Earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the
lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always
just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26
year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he
could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a
small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in
the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his
neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr.
and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You
want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small
step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to
Earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the
lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always
just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26
year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he
could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a
small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in
the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his
neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr.
and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You
want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Gates - Some Facts (Don't miss the last point)
1. Bill Gates earns
US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion
a YEAR!
2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up b'coz
by the 4th second he picks it, he already earns it back.
3. US's national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates pays the
debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.
4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$5
Million for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the US. If he does'nt
drink and eat, and keep his annual income US$30 Million up, he'll have to wait
for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates now.
6. If Bill Gates is a country, he is the 37th richest country on
earth,or US 13th biggest company, even bigger then IBM.
7. If exchange all Bill Gate's money to US$1, you can make a road from
earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road
non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 plane to transport
all the money.
8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he still can live for
35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish his money
before going to heaven.
9. BUT!!! If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will bankrupt in
3 years!
US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion
a YEAR!
2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up b'coz
by the 4th second he picks it, he already earns it back.
3. US's national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates pays the
debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.
4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$5
Million for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the US. If he does'nt
drink and eat, and keep his annual income US$30 Million up, he'll have to wait
for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates now.
6. If Bill Gates is a country, he is the 37th richest country on
earth,or US 13th biggest company, even bigger then IBM.
7. If exchange all Bill Gate's money to US$1, you can make a road from
earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road
non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 plane to transport
all the money.
8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he still can live for
35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish his money
before going to heaven.
9. BUT!!! If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will bankrupt in
3 years!
A letter by a Software Professional
Dear Ms.
Miss, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Profession
Miss, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Profession
Male Courtship Signals
Men always have a habit of displaying preening behaviour when a women approaches. Men will often straighten their jacket, shirt or other clothing.
They may also rub their hands across their hair. The male may also place his thumbs in his belt pointing towards the genital area.
Men also will tend to point their foot at a woman. You will find that he will use an intimate gaze and hold that longer then per normal.
Often the pupils will become diluted. Men will also often stand with their hands on their hips to dispay their masculine side.
When seated he tends to spread his legs part if interested in the female.
*Female Courtship Signals*
Women also tend to have pupil dilation when they are interested in a male. But they also have a flushed appearance in the cheeks.
Women also tend to shake their head in an effort to toss their hair. A female who is strongly interested will expose the inner sides of her wrists to the male.
The palms will also be made visible to the male. When walking towards or past a male of interest the hips will have an accentuated roll.
The woman will hold a mans gaze just long enough for him to notice then quickly look away. The mouth remains patially open and the lips appear to be wet.
One leg is tucked under the other with the knee pointing to the male of her interest. Women will often play with their shoe thrusting the foot in and out of the shoe.
They may also rub their hands across their hair. The male may also place his thumbs in his belt pointing towards the genital area.
Men also will tend to point their foot at a woman. You will find that he will use an intimate gaze and hold that longer then per normal.
Often the pupils will become diluted. Men will also often stand with their hands on their hips to dispay their masculine side.
When seated he tends to spread his legs part if interested in the female.
*Female Courtship Signals*
Women also tend to have pupil dilation when they are interested in a male. But they also have a flushed appearance in the cheeks.
Women also tend to shake their head in an effort to toss their hair. A female who is strongly interested will expose the inner sides of her wrists to the male.
The palms will also be made visible to the male. When walking towards or past a male of interest the hips will have an accentuated roll.
The woman will hold a mans gaze just long enough for him to notice then quickly look away. The mouth remains patially open and the lips appear to be wet.
One leg is tucked under the other with the knee pointing to the male of her interest. Women will often play with their shoe thrusting the foot in and out of the shoe.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
GHOSTLY DRIVE
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
Golfing Couple
A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive
golfcourse lined with million-dollar houses. Off the
third tee, the wife hit the ball right through the
window of the biggest house on the course.
Embarrassed, they ran up to the house and knocked on
the door. A voice said, "Come on in."
Entering the house, they saw glass all over the floor,
a broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting
on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my
window?" he asked.
"Yes we are, but we're very sorry," the husband said.
"Actually I wanted to thank you." The man replied.
"I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years
inside that bottle you broke. Since you've released
me, I'm allowed to grant two wishes - one for you and
one for myself."
"Wow!" the husband replied. "In that case, I want a
million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"Granted." The genie told him. "Now for my wish...I've
been trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for
a thousand years, so my wish is to sleep with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife, then shrugged. "Well,
we did get a lot of money, so I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for
hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over,
looked at the wife, and asked, "How old is your
husband?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
golfcourse lined with million-dollar houses. Off the
third tee, the wife hit the ball right through the
window of the biggest house on the course.
Embarrassed, they ran up to the house and knocked on
the door. A voice said, "Come on in."
Entering the house, they saw glass all over the floor,
a broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting
on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my
window?" he asked.
"Yes we are, but we're very sorry," the husband said.
"Actually I wanted to thank you." The man replied.
"I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years
inside that bottle you broke. Since you've released
me, I'm allowed to grant two wishes - one for you and
one for myself."
"Wow!" the husband replied. "In that case, I want a
million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"Granted." The genie told him. "Now for my wish...I've
been trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for
a thousand years, so my wish is to sleep with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife, then shrugged. "Well,
we did get a lot of money, so I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for
hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over,
looked at the wife, and asked, "How old is your
husband?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Chinese to English Dictionary
Wai U Shao Ting--------There is no reason to raise your voice
Dung On Mai Shu--------I stepped in shit
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu-----Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne----------I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat----------------You need a face-lift
Dum Gai--------------------A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai-------------A man who is popular with the women
Gun Pao Der--------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding-----------We believe you are harboring fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun-----------A former late night talk show host
Hum Hia--------------------Approach me
Lao Zi-----------------------Not very good
Lin Ching------------------An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding----------A great achievement of the space program
Ne Ahn---------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai-------------------A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be-----------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne-------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba--------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung----------A person with T.B.
Wa Shing Kah-----------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim--------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wa Shing Da Kah------Carwash Attendant
Wun Hung Lo-------------Well Endowed Man
Tai Ne Gai---------------- Not so Well Endowed Man
Dung On Mai Shu--------I stepped in shit
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu-----Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne----------I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat----------------You need a face-lift
Dum Gai--------------------A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai-------------A man who is popular with the women
Gun Pao Der--------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding-----------We believe you are harboring fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun-----------A former late night talk show host
Hum Hia--------------------Approach me
Lao Zi-----------------------Not very good
Lin Ching------------------An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding----------A great achievement of the space program
Ne Ahn---------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai-------------------A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be-----------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne-------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba--------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung----------A person with T.B.
Wa Shing Kah-----------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim--------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wa Shing Da Kah------Carwash Attendant
Wun Hung Lo-------------Well Endowed Man
Tai Ne Gai---------------- Not so Well Endowed Man
Letters Of Recommendations For Employees
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:
1)For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
2)For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
3)For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
4)For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5)For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
6)For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
7)For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
1)For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
2)For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
3)For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
4)For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5)For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
6)For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
7)For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
Welcome to Heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appears. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appears. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
New World Explanations
Love everybody.
Love every body.
Save water.
Shower with your friend.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spends.
A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow.
What you can put off today.
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
Love animals.
They are so tasty.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
How come "abbreviate" be such a long word??
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop.
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning.
Love every body.
Save water.
Shower with your friend.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spends.
A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow.
What you can put off today.
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
Love animals.
They are so tasty.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
How come "abbreviate" be such a long word??
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop.
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning.
college cources
Some actual excerpts from college course evaluation forms:
1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches
in my room."
2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot
attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never
understand him."
5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English
should proofread it."
7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential
exam material."
8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is
well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest
in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of
getting tenure."
9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the
squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire
hose-spraying in all directions-no way to stop it."
11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the
Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets."
12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in
class was covered on the final exam."
1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches
in my room."
2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot
attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never
understand him."
5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English
should proofread it."
7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential
exam material."
8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is
well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest
in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of
getting tenure."
9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the
squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire
hose-spraying in all directions-no way to stop it."
11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the
Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets."
12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in
class was covered on the final exam."
Simple vs Real
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an
argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after u've had a
fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
A simple friend will read and throw this letter away.
A real friend will keep sending it until he's sure it's been
Received.
Pass this on to anyone you care about....if you get it
back you have found your true friends.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an
argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after u've had a
fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
A simple friend will read and throw this letter away.
A real friend will keep sending it until he's sure it's been
Received.
Pass this on to anyone you care about....if you get it
back you have found your true friends.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
The 2 Cow System...
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give the other to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The Government takes both and shares the milk with you and your neighbor.
FACISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and they sell it back to you.
NAZI-ISM: Government shoots you and takes both cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You milk them and pour the lot down the drain to keep the price up.
SADISM: You have two cows. You shoot them both and drown yourself in the milk.
APARTHEID: You have two cows. You give the black cow's milk to the white cow to drink and don't milk the white cow.
WELFARE STATE: You have two cows. You milk them and give them the milk to drink.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows shoot you and milk each other.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. You fill in 17 forms in triplicate and you don't have time to milk them.
UNITED NATIONS: You have two cows. Russia vetoes the farmer from milking them. Britain and France veto the cows from milking the farmers. USA abstains.
IDEALISM: You have two cows. You marry and your wife milks them.
REALISM: You have two cows. You get married and you still milk them.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The Government takes both and shares the milk with you and your neighbor.
FACISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and they sell it back to you.
NAZI-ISM: Government shoots you and takes both cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You milk them and pour the lot down the drain to keep the price up.
SADISM: You have two cows. You shoot them both and drown yourself in the milk.
APARTHEID: You have two cows. You give the black cow's milk to the white cow to drink and don't milk the white cow.
WELFARE STATE: You have two cows. You milk them and give them the milk to drink.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows shoot you and milk each other.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. You fill in 17 forms in triplicate and you don't have time to milk them.
UNITED NATIONS: You have two cows. Russia vetoes the farmer from milking them. Britain and France veto the cows from milking the farmers. USA abstains.
IDEALISM: You have two cows. You marry and your wife milks them.
REALISM: You have two cows. You get married and you still milk them.
Lighterside
Small But Durable
-----------------
In a recent survey in Iceland it was found that men who were 170cm or taller earned 16 per cent more on an average than their shorter colleagues. Taller women too were found to be earning more than shorter colleagues.
This is a finding which has been repeatedly corroborated by surveys, all over the world. Taller people seem to have an edge over shorter ones when it comes to earning money.
Taller men are also more popular with girls. But this is vertically-challenged who may have the last laugh. Latest research shows that the hormone that controls height, called the Insulin-like Growth factor(IGF) also controls agening. A low level of IGF means a longer life expectancy. In other words, shorties live longer.
Says Dr. Armand Leroi, a biologist who works at Imperial College in Ascot, England: "We know that big dogs seem to die early in life while smaller dogs enjoy more longevity. Mice whose growth has been deliberately stunted live up to 75 percent longer than their normal-sized neighbours. Studies show that this link also exists in humans. Many small people have deficiencies in IGF and there is a suggestion that they live longer.
-----------------
In a recent survey in Iceland it was found that men who were 170cm or taller earned 16 per cent more on an average than their shorter colleagues. Taller women too were found to be earning more than shorter colleagues.
This is a finding which has been repeatedly corroborated by surveys, all over the world. Taller people seem to have an edge over shorter ones when it comes to earning money.
Taller men are also more popular with girls. But this is vertically-challenged who may have the last laugh. Latest research shows that the hormone that controls height, called the Insulin-like Growth factor(IGF) also controls agening. A low level of IGF means a longer life expectancy. In other words, shorties live longer.
Says Dr. Armand Leroi, a biologist who works at Imperial College in Ascot, England: "We know that big dogs seem to die early in life while smaller dogs enjoy more longevity. Mice whose growth has been deliberately stunted live up to 75 percent longer than their normal-sized neighbours. Studies show that this link also exists in humans. Many small people have deficiencies in IGF and there is a suggestion that they live longer.
Companies
ETL - Enterprise-Telesys Limited
Enterprisingly Tecnical To The Limit
C-DOT
Coffee During Office Timings
HUGHES
Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
WIPRO
Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
IBM
Implicitly Boring Machines
SATYAM
Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
INFOSYS
INFerior Offline SYStems
PARAM
Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
HP
Hen Pecked
HCL
Hidden Costs & Losses
AT & T
All Troubles & Terrible
CMC
Coffee , Meals and Comfort
DEC
Drifting & Exhausted Computers
BFL
Brainwash First, and Let them go
DELL
Deplorable Equipment & Lack Lusture
TISL
Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd
PSI
Peculiar Symptoms of India
PCL
Poor Computers Ltd
TCS
Tata's Cobol Services,
Totally Confusing Solutions,
Tea,coffee and Stationary ,
Terese Cum Salary
SPARC
Simply Poor And Redundant Computers
SUN
Surely Useless Novelties
CRAY
Cry Repeatedly After an Year
TUL
Troubles Un Limited
CTS
Coffee, Tea and Snacks
ICIM
Impossible Computers In Maintenance
BPL
Below poverty line.
Enterprisingly Tecnical To The Limit
C-DOT
Coffee During Office Timings
HUGHES
Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping
WIPRO
Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output
IBM
Implicitly Boring Machines
SATYAM
Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly
INFOSYS
INFerior Offline SYStems
PARAM
Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors
HP
Hen Pecked
HCL
Hidden Costs & Losses
AT & T
All Troubles & Terrible
CMC
Coffee , Meals and Comfort
DEC
Drifting & Exhausted Computers
BFL
Brainwash First, and Let them go
DELL
Deplorable Equipment & Lack Lusture
TISL
Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd
PSI
Peculiar Symptoms of India
PCL
Poor Computers Ltd
TCS
Tata's Cobol Services,
Totally Confusing Solutions,
Tea,coffee and Stationary ,
Terese Cum Salary
SPARC
Simply Poor And Redundant Computers
SUN
Surely Useless Novelties
CRAY
Cry Repeatedly After an Year
TUL
Troubles Un Limited
CTS
Coffee, Tea and Snacks
ICIM
Impossible Computers In Maintenance
BPL
Below poverty line.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Three countries
Three men, a Newfoundlander, a Quebecer and an Albertan were walking along
a country road one day when they came across an old lamp beside the road.
One of them picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out pops a Genie.
The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are three of
you, each of you will get one wish."
The Newfoundlander thought for a moment and then responded, "I'm a
fisherman. My father was a fisherman. And, my grandfather and
great-grandfather before him were fishermen. My son will be a fisherman. I
wish for the oceans to be filled with fish."
The Genie granted the Newfoundlander his wish. Poof! The oceans were
instantly filled with fish.
The Quebecer said, "I wish for a big wall all around Quebec."
Poof! The Genie granted the Quebecer his wish and a huge wall was erected
around the perimeter of Quebec.
The Albertan thought for some time before responding. Finally, he asked,
"Tell me, Genie, how big is this wall around Quebec?"
"The wall is 150 feet high and 50 feet thick," replied the Genie.
"And, nothing can get in or out of the wall."
"Okay, then," replied the Albertan, "fill it up with water!"
a country road one day when they came across an old lamp beside the road.
One of them picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, out pops a Genie.
The Genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. Since there are three of
you, each of you will get one wish."
The Newfoundlander thought for a moment and then responded, "I'm a
fisherman. My father was a fisherman. And, my grandfather and
great-grandfather before him were fishermen. My son will be a fisherman. I
wish for the oceans to be filled with fish."
The Genie granted the Newfoundlander his wish. Poof! The oceans were
instantly filled with fish.
The Quebecer said, "I wish for a big wall all around Quebec."
Poof! The Genie granted the Quebecer his wish and a huge wall was erected
around the perimeter of Quebec.
The Albertan thought for some time before responding. Finally, he asked,
"Tell me, Genie, how big is this wall around Quebec?"
"The wall is 150 feet high and 50 feet thick," replied the Genie.
"And, nothing can get in or out of the wall."
"Okay, then," replied the Albertan, "fill it up with water!"
golf and frog
This guy is playing a round of golf. He's about 150 yards from the 16th green. He takes his 7 iron out and lines up his shot.
"Ribet - 6 iron", he hears.
Seeing no one around, he starts to line up his shot again.
"Ribet - 6 iron", he look down and sees a frog talking to him.
"What the heck", he thinks. He takes out his 6 iron and knocks the ball 8 inches from the cup. "Wow", he says, and picks up the frog and carries it to the next hole. The 17th is a 190 yard par 3. The guy gets out his 3 iron.
"Ribet - 3 wood", says the frog. So he takes out the 3 wood and makes a hole in one.
"This frog is incredibly good luck", he thinks to himself. "Frog", he says, "We're going to Vegas!". So, sure enough, with the frog telling him to bet black or red, hit or stand, etc., the guy wins $100,000. He takes the frog up to his hotel room, puts it down, and says, "Frog, you have brought me great luck. I will do anything for you".
"Ribet - kiss me", says the frog.
"What the heck", says the guy. "This is a lucky frog". So, he kisses it, and it turns into the most beautiful 14 year old girl you have ever seen! Honest Judge that's how she got in my room.
"Ribet - 6 iron", he hears.
Seeing no one around, he starts to line up his shot again.
"Ribet - 6 iron", he look down and sees a frog talking to him.
"What the heck", he thinks. He takes out his 6 iron and knocks the ball 8 inches from the cup. "Wow", he says, and picks up the frog and carries it to the next hole. The 17th is a 190 yard par 3. The guy gets out his 3 iron.
"Ribet - 3 wood", says the frog. So he takes out the 3 wood and makes a hole in one.
"This frog is incredibly good luck", he thinks to himself. "Frog", he says, "We're going to Vegas!". So, sure enough, with the frog telling him to bet black or red, hit or stand, etc., the guy wins $100,000. He takes the frog up to his hotel room, puts it down, and says, "Frog, you have brought me great luck. I will do anything for you".
"Ribet - kiss me", says the frog.
"What the heck", says the guy. "This is a lucky frog". So, he kisses it, and it turns into the most beautiful 14 year old girl you have ever seen! Honest Judge that's how she got in my room.
The Chauffeur
One day the Pope is coming to New York in his Limo and he said to the driver, "Why don't you let me drive for once."
The driver thinks to himself, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who the hell is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."
The driver thinks to himself, "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, "slow down a bit, you
might get pulled over."
The Pope says, "ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, "oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute."
The Pope says, "sure"
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, "guys I just pulled over some one really important."
They ask who, "The President?."
"No more important."
"The president of another country."
"No more important."
"An ambassador."
"No even more important."
"Well who the hell is it."
"I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."
Thou shall
Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
Thou shall face each problem as it comes--you can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90 percent of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
Thou shall face each problem as it comes--you can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90 percent of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
life lessons
To my kids who have left home and are on their own, I pass on
a list of life lessons:
1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up
for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet
when you're taking a shower.
3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for
your own good," expect the worst.
4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun
it is to be idiotic.
5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't
swallow it whole.
6. When a politician says, "let me make something perfectly
clear, remember that he usually won't.
7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in
your attic and basement forever.
8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put
it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same
room at the same time.
10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You
can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry
on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead. (from Jodi)
a list of life lessons:
1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up
for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet
when you're taking a shower.
3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for
your own good," expect the worst.
4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun
it is to be idiotic.
5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't
swallow it whole.
6. When a politician says, "let me make something perfectly
clear, remember that he usually won't.
7. You children may leave home, but their stuff will be in
your attic and basement forever.
8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put
it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same
room at the same time.
10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You
can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry
on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead. (from Jodi)
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Romantic Omens
Your marriage will be a happy one if...
*You feed a cat out of one of your shoes just before you are married
*Either of you dreams about your wedding day
*You are married on a beautiful day (rainy weather forecasts a stormy marriage)
*It snows on the day of your wedding
*You see a lamb or a dove on the way to your wedding
*A flock of white birds flies directly over you on your way to the wedding ceremony
*You carry bread in your pocket and throw it away (represents you throwing away your troubles) or give it to someone who is hungry (forecasting good fortune during your marriage, because of your generosity) on your wedding day
*A spider is found crawling on the bride's wedding dress before the two of you are married
*The bride has her hair done, her veil put on, by a happily married woman just before the wedding
*The bridesgroom carries a horseshoe in his pocket during the wedding (a miniature one will do)
*The bride cries on her wedding day (it means she has cried all her tears away)
*You both step into, and leave with your right foot first
*You feed a cat out of one of your shoes just before you are married
*Either of you dreams about your wedding day
*You are married on a beautiful day (rainy weather forecasts a stormy marriage)
*It snows on the day of your wedding
*You see a lamb or a dove on the way to your wedding
*A flock of white birds flies directly over you on your way to the wedding ceremony
*You carry bread in your pocket and throw it away (represents you throwing away your troubles) or give it to someone who is hungry (forecasting good fortune during your marriage, because of your generosity) on your wedding day
*A spider is found crawling on the bride's wedding dress before the two of you are married
*The bride has her hair done, her veil put on, by a happily married woman just before the wedding
*The bridesgroom carries a horseshoe in his pocket during the wedding (a miniature one will do)
*The bride cries on her wedding day (it means she has cried all her tears away)
*You both step into, and leave with your right foot first
Hi Tech worker
How do you know that you are a 'High-Tech' Worker?
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
10% of the people you work with (boss included) -- knows what they do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with satellites"
You read this entire list and understood it.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
10% of the people you work with (boss included) -- knows what they do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with satellites"
You read this entire list and understood it.
Zorro Theme
I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You
(Zorro's theme)
Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming
Race the moon, catch the wind
Ride the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
Heroes rise, heroes fall
Rise again, win it all
In your heart, can't you feel the glory
Through our joy, through our pain
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you
Yeah
Though we know we will never come again
Where there is love, life begins
Over and over again
Save the night, save the day
Save the love, come what may
Love is worth everything we pay
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you
Loving you. yeah
(Zorro's theme)
Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming
Race the moon, catch the wind
Ride the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
Heroes rise, heroes fall
Rise again, win it all
In your heart, can't you feel the glory
Through our joy, through our pain
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with me
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you
Yeah
Though we know we will never come again
Where there is love, life begins
Over and over again
Save the night, save the day
Save the love, come what may
Love is worth everything we pay
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my lifetime loving you
Loving you. yeah
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Lost in the Forest
There were three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.'
The king then explained the trial to him. 'You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.'
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?'
The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with coconuts.'
The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.'
The king then explained the trial to him. 'You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.'
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?'
The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with coconuts.'
Materialistic Lawyer
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front
of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As
he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off
the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As
he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off
the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
A strange Funeral
A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse(vehicle carrying the coffin) was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull(kind of dog) on a leash(strap by which the dog is held). Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
A long black hearse(vehicle carrying the coffin) was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull(kind of dog) on a leash(strap by which the dog is held). Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
Lawyer
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You re an engineer, you re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What! You ve got an engineer? That s a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."
"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I m keeping him!"
God insists, "Send him back or I ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You re an engineer, you re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What! You ve got an engineer? That s a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."
"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I m keeping him!"
God insists, "Send him back or I ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Recommendation letter
The following letter of recommendation was sent to a second-line manager:
While working with Mr. Sriram, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Sriram should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Branch Manager
A second letter soon followed:
SRIRAM WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT
MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE
LINES 1,3,5,7,... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS,
Sd/-
Branch Manager
While working with Mr. Sriram, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Sriram should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Branch Manager
A second letter soon followed:
SRIRAM WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT
MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE
LINES 1,3,5,7,... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS,
Sd/-
Branch Manager
E-Business:
E-Business began in India and long before the rest of the world had even heard of the term. The ball was set rolling by a corrupt minister in the central government. He would write'Not Approved' on all the fiiles sent to him by his assistants. Later when he had been suitably mollified by the concerned person he would recall the file and add an 'e' to 'Not' and put a colon after the word thus changing his original remark to 'Note: Approved".
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