Three lawyers and three software engineers were on their way to a conference in New York. At the railway station the three lawyers bought a ticket each but the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
"How will three of you travel on a single ticket?" asked the lawyers.
"Wait and see," said the engineers.
They boarded the train together. The lawyers took their seats but the engineers locked themselves in the toilet.
Shortly after the train started the conductor came to collect the tickets. He knocked on the door of the toilet and demanded, "Ticket please!" The door opened just a crack, and a hand emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took the ticket and moved on. Thereupon the enginners came out and occupied whatever seats were available. The lawyers were impressed.
The two groups met at the railway station on the return journey too. This time the lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The engineers bought no ticket at all.
"How will you manage without a ticket?" asked the lawyers bewildered. "Wait and see," said the engineers.
On boarding the train, the lawyers made a beeline for the toilet. They rushed in and locked themselves in. The engineers locked themselves in the other toilet.
When the train started moving out of the station one of the engineers came out of the toilet and knocked on the door of the other toilet.
"Ticket please!" he said. The door opened a crack, and a hand emerged and handed him the ticket.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Golfer Goes to Confession
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word".
The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I
duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word".
The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I
duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
ABE LINCOLN / JOHN F KENNEDY
Have a history teacher explain this ---- If he can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the
White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
>Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named
Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born
in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born
in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a
warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a
theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their
trials.
And here's the kicker.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in
Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with
Marilyn Monroe.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the
White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
>Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named
Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born
in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born
in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a
warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a
theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their
trials.
And here's the kicker.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in
Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with
Marilyn Monroe.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Best mail ....
Nominated the best e-mail of 1999, the following is to be read aloud(for full effect).
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service(RS) : "Morny. Ruin Sorbees."
Guest(G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"
RS : "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...Morny! Djewish to ordor sumteen?"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS : "Ow July dem?"
G : "What?"
RS : "Ow July dem?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee baycem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "I dont't think so."
RS : "No? Judo one toes???"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means."
RS : "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "toast". Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS : "We bother??"
G : "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS : "Wad??"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy??"
G : "Sorry?"
RS : "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Assruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baycem, tossy singlish, mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye???"
G : "Whatever you say!!"
RS : "Tendjewberrtmud"
G : "You're welcome!!"
Have you understood everyword that's been said?
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service(RS) : "Morny. Ruin Sorbees."
Guest(G) : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"
RS : "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...Morny! Djewish to ordor sumteen?"
G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS : "Ow July dem?"
G : "What?"
RS : "Ow July dem?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS : "Ow July dee baycem...crease?"
G : "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G : "I dont't think so."
RS : "No? Judo one toes???"
G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means."
RS : "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow inglish mopping we bother?"
G : "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "toast". Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS : "We bother??"
G : "No...just put the bother on the side."
RS : "Wad??"
G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS : "Copy??"
G : "Sorry?"
RS : "Copy...tea...mill?"
G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS : "One Minnie. Assruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baycem, tossy singlish, mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye???"
G : "Whatever you say!!"
RS : "Tendjewberrtmud"
G : "You're welcome!!"
Have you understood everyword that's been said?
Definitions for KISS
Professors of different subjects define the same word different ways.
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinite because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinite because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
AN OLDIE BUT A GOODIE...
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module,
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small
step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to
Earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the
lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always
just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26
year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he
could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a
small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in
the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his
neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr.
and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You
want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small
step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to
Earth and heard by millions. But just before he reentered the
lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was
no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr.Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always
just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26
year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally
responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he
could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a
small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in
the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his
neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr.
and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young
Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Sex! You
want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Gates - Some Facts (Don't miss the last point)
1. Bill Gates earns
US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion
a YEAR!
2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up b'coz
by the 4th second he picks it, he already earns it back.
3. US's national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates pays the
debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.
4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$5
Million for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the US. If he does'nt
drink and eat, and keep his annual income US$30 Million up, he'll have to wait
for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates now.
6. If Bill Gates is a country, he is the 37th richest country on
earth,or US 13th biggest company, even bigger then IBM.
7. If exchange all Bill Gate's money to US$1, you can make a road from
earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road
non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 plane to transport
all the money.
8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he still can live for
35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish his money
before going to heaven.
9. BUT!!! If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will bankrupt in
3 years!
US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion
a YEAR!
2. If he drops a thousand dollars, he won't even bother to pick it up b'coz
by the 4th second he picks it, he already earns it back.
3. US's national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates pays the
debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.
4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still be left with US$5
Million for his pocket money.
5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in the US. If he does'nt
drink and eat, and keep his annual income US$30 Million up, he'll have to wait
for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates now.
6. If Bill Gates is a country, he is the 37th richest country on
earth,or US 13th biggest company, even bigger then IBM.
7. If exchange all Bill Gate's money to US$1, you can make a road from
earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road
non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 plane to transport
all the money.
8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he still can live for
35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish his money
before going to heaven.
9. BUT!!! If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time
their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will bankrupt in
3 years!
A letter by a Software Professional
Dear Ms.
Miss, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Profession
Miss, I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realised that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.
You not only have a beautiful face, but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.
With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Only yours,
XYZ
Software Profession
Male Courtship Signals
Men always have a habit of displaying preening behaviour when a women approaches. Men will often straighten their jacket, shirt or other clothing.
They may also rub their hands across their hair. The male may also place his thumbs in his belt pointing towards the genital area.
Men also will tend to point their foot at a woman. You will find that he will use an intimate gaze and hold that longer then per normal.
Often the pupils will become diluted. Men will also often stand with their hands on their hips to dispay their masculine side.
When seated he tends to spread his legs part if interested in the female.
*Female Courtship Signals*
Women also tend to have pupil dilation when they are interested in a male. But they also have a flushed appearance in the cheeks.
Women also tend to shake their head in an effort to toss their hair. A female who is strongly interested will expose the inner sides of her wrists to the male.
The palms will also be made visible to the male. When walking towards or past a male of interest the hips will have an accentuated roll.
The woman will hold a mans gaze just long enough for him to notice then quickly look away. The mouth remains patially open and the lips appear to be wet.
One leg is tucked under the other with the knee pointing to the male of her interest. Women will often play with their shoe thrusting the foot in and out of the shoe.
They may also rub their hands across their hair. The male may also place his thumbs in his belt pointing towards the genital area.
Men also will tend to point their foot at a woman. You will find that he will use an intimate gaze and hold that longer then per normal.
Often the pupils will become diluted. Men will also often stand with their hands on their hips to dispay their masculine side.
When seated he tends to spread his legs part if interested in the female.
*Female Courtship Signals*
Women also tend to have pupil dilation when they are interested in a male. But they also have a flushed appearance in the cheeks.
Women also tend to shake their head in an effort to toss their hair. A female who is strongly interested will expose the inner sides of her wrists to the male.
The palms will also be made visible to the male. When walking towards or past a male of interest the hips will have an accentuated roll.
The woman will hold a mans gaze just long enough for him to notice then quickly look away. The mouth remains patially open and the lips appear to be wet.
One leg is tucked under the other with the knee pointing to the male of her interest. Women will often play with their shoe thrusting the foot in and out of the shoe.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
GHOSTLY DRIVE
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
Golfing Couple
A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive
golfcourse lined with million-dollar houses. Off the
third tee, the wife hit the ball right through the
window of the biggest house on the course.
Embarrassed, they ran up to the house and knocked on
the door. A voice said, "Come on in."
Entering the house, they saw glass all over the floor,
a broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting
on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my
window?" he asked.
"Yes we are, but we're very sorry," the husband said.
"Actually I wanted to thank you." The man replied.
"I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years
inside that bottle you broke. Since you've released
me, I'm allowed to grant two wishes - one for you and
one for myself."
"Wow!" the husband replied. "In that case, I want a
million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"Granted." The genie told him. "Now for my wish...I've
been trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for
a thousand years, so my wish is to sleep with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife, then shrugged. "Well,
we did get a lot of money, so I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for
hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over,
looked at the wife, and asked, "How old is your
husband?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
golfcourse lined with million-dollar houses. Off the
third tee, the wife hit the ball right through the
window of the biggest house on the course.
Embarrassed, they ran up to the house and knocked on
the door. A voice said, "Come on in."
Entering the house, they saw glass all over the floor,
a broken bottle lying in the foyer, and a man sitting
on the couch. "Are you the people who broke my
window?" he asked.
"Yes we are, but we're very sorry," the husband said.
"Actually I wanted to thank you." The man replied.
"I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years
inside that bottle you broke. Since you've released
me, I'm allowed to grant two wishes - one for you and
one for myself."
"Wow!" the husband replied. "In that case, I want a
million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"Granted." The genie told him. "Now for my wish...I've
been trapped in that bottle, and without a woman, for
a thousand years, so my wish is to sleep with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife, then shrugged. "Well,
we did get a lot of money, so I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for
hours. When they were finally done, he rolled over,
looked at the wife, and asked, "How old is your
husband?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
Chinese to English Dictionary
Wai U Shao Ting--------There is no reason to raise your voice
Dung On Mai Shu--------I stepped in shit
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu-----Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne----------I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat----------------You need a face-lift
Dum Gai--------------------A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai-------------A man who is popular with the women
Gun Pao Der--------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding-----------We believe you are harboring fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun-----------A former late night talk show host
Hum Hia--------------------Approach me
Lao Zi-----------------------Not very good
Lin Ching------------------An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding----------A great achievement of the space program
Ne Ahn---------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai-------------------A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be-----------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne-------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba--------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung----------A person with T.B.
Wa Shing Kah-----------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim--------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wa Shing Da Kah------Carwash Attendant
Wun Hung Lo-------------Well Endowed Man
Tai Ne Gai---------------- Not so Well Endowed Man
Dung On Mai Shu--------I stepped in shit
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu-----Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne----------I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat----------------You need a face-lift
Dum Gai--------------------A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai-------------A man who is popular with the women
Gun Pao Der--------------An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding-----------We believe you are harboring fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun-----------A former late night talk show host
Hum Hia--------------------Approach me
Lao Zi-----------------------Not very good
Lin Ching------------------An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding----------A great achievement of the space program
Ne Ahn---------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai-------------------A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be-----------A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne-------------A small horse
Ten Ding Ba--------------Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung----------A person with T.B.
Wa Shing Kah-----------Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim--------------Are you trying to save electricity?
Wa Shing Da Kah------Carwash Attendant
Wun Hung Lo-------------Well Endowed Man
Tai Ne Gai---------------- Not so Well Endowed Man
Letters Of Recommendations For Employees
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:
1)For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
2)For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
3)For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
4)For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5)For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
6)For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
7)For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
1)For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
2)For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
3)For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
4)For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5)For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
6)For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
7)For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
Welcome to Heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appears. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appears. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
New World Explanations
Love everybody.
Love every body.
Save water.
Shower with your friend.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spends.
A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow.
What you can put off today.
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
Love animals.
They are so tasty.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
How come "abbreviate" be such a long word??
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop.
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning.
Love every body.
Save water.
Shower with your friend.
Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spends.
A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow.
What you can put off today.
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
Love animals.
They are so tasty.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
How come "abbreviate" be such a long word??
Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop.
There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning.
college cources
Some actual excerpts from college course evaluation forms:
1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches
in my room."
2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot
attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never
understand him."
5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English
should proofread it."
7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential
exam material."
8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is
well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest
in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of
getting tenure."
9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the
squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire
hose-spraying in all directions-no way to stop it."
11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the
Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets."
12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in
class was covered on the final exam."
1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches
in my room."
2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot
attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never
understand him."
5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English
should proofread it."
7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential
exam material."
8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is
well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest
in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of
getting tenure."
9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the
squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire
hose-spraying in all directions-no way to stop it."
11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the
Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets."
12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in
class was covered on the final exam."
Simple vs Real
A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an
argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after u've had a
fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
A simple friend will read and throw this letter away.
A real friend will keep sending it until he's sure it's been
Received.
Pass this on to anyone you care about....if you get it
back you have found your true friends.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about their problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an
argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after u've had a
fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!
A simple friend will read and throw this letter away.
A real friend will keep sending it until he's sure it's been
Received.
Pass this on to anyone you care about....if you get it
back you have found your true friends.
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