Rectangle

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Condom

When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants Sun, SCO(UNIX) ,and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condo, CondomiX , and MS-Comdome respectively.

A customer using Java-condo complained to Sun that the condom doesn't fit correctly.Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard". They boasted that it will fit to any size irrespective of underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he finshes reading the instructions, given
along with condomiX, his wife sleeping and he himself forgetting why he is using CondomiX. Finally he swiched to MS-Condome. To his surprise it was so good...and comfortable!. He used it happily. Three months later he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Micrsoft. He got his reply from Microsoft:

A Service PATCH IS COMING SOON...!

TOP COUNTRY SONGS OF 2001

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You; It's Like Having You Here
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And The No. 1 Favorite Country Song Is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure
Woke Up With A Few

Bill Gates ...

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addressed Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replied, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs." God thinks for a second and said "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choice about things and that no one would ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and said, "That sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates, "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

Wisdom

***
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

***
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

***
Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

***
He, who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

***
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,

***
Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself.

***
Upon saying "Good-bye," do not think of things that will be missed.
Instead, think of all the good times that would have been missed
if we had not said "Hello."

***
Murphy's Law states that it is better to have a horrible ending
than having horrors without an end.

Astrology Chocolate Guide

ARIES : Chooses the best chocolates for themself and leaves the left over's for everyone else

TAURUS : Likes the chocolates with the soft centre

GEMINI : Chooses their chocolates by pushing their finger in first

CANCER : Tends to eat their chocolates with a big smile on their face

LEO : Wants to be in charge of the chocolates

VIRGO : Makes sure the chocolates are clean then only eats half a chocolate and leaves the rest stored

LIBRA : One box for them and one box for you

SCORPIO : Likes to lick the chocolates

SAGITTARIUS : Likes French chocolates

CAPRICORN : Wants only the best and most expensive chocolates

AQUARIUS : Not big into chocolates

PISCES : Likes to share the chocolates around

Friday, June 02, 2006

*** Another Genie ***

One day a man is walking down the beach and comes across an
old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork... Sure
enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you
for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you
three wishes."

The man says "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a
Swiss ban account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a
detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his
hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari
right here." There is another flash of light and a bright red
Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I
want to be irresistible to women." A final blaze of light and
he turns into a box of chocolates!

Heart Attack

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years.

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

Men are like...

......placemats
they only show up when there's food on the table.

.....mascara
they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

.....bike helmets
they're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

.....government bonds
they take so long to mature.

.....copiers
you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

.....lava lamps
fun to look at it but not all that bright.

.....bank accounts
without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

.....high heels
they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

.....curling irons
they're always hot and always in your hair.

.....mini skirts
if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

.....handguns
keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it

Time...

As you're reading this, your life's getting shorter.
It's ticking away.
I'm not saying this to frighten you.
Or even scare you.
Though it may.
I'm saying this to awaken you.
To inspire you.
To rise you out of your deep slumber.
To really know you won't live forever.
To share your unique gifts.
To ignite your great inner fire.
To ignite your great inner strength.
To ignite your great inner light.
To shine.
Brightly shine.
To awaken your great inner beauty.
To motivate.
Yourself and others.
To love.
Yourself and others.
To paint.
To write.
To teach.
To innovate.
To sing.
To dance.
To care.
To feel.
To listen.
To learn.
To laugh.
The clock's ticking.
The world needs you.
Make your move.

Anjel...

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice
from behind: "If u take one more step, a brick will fall
down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a
while he was going to cross the road. Once again the
voice shouted:

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car
will run over you, and you will die." The man did as
he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were
you when I got married?"

Graveyard

One man went to the grave to visit his mothers tomb. He kept the flowers he had taken there and placed it on his mothers grave and prayed for some time. Then while he was returning, he heard a very loud cry from his left. He turned towards that direction and walked there.
He saw a man crying nearby a tomb. He was crying very aloud and uttering the words "Why did you die? Why did you die?" and crying with deep sorrow.
Seeing the man crying so hard, he asked him "Sir, why are you crying so much. Is the person your wife, father, mother, friend or any other close relative of yours?" The man crying told that he was his wife's first husband.

You started it

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Good Bad and Worse

How many of us can differentiate between Good-Bad-Worse????
Here are the examples........

Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids.
Bad: The birth control pills are missing.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He is involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.

Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

ABC's of fine life

attitude is ur key
believe in urself
cheer others with sunny disposition
donate ur time with those less fortunate
eat dessert first
find a humor buddy 2 exchang jokes
haha hoho hehe
invite ur frinz 4 celebrations
join a support group
keep ur spirits up
laugh atleast 12 times aday
make a journal of ur funny experiences
nurse urself
order somethin whimsical 4m a catalogue
pursue a passion
quit the bad habbit
read a humor book
smile @ evryone
talk 2 a old friend
upbeat tapes & videos
visit ur relatives
write thank notes 2 ur caregivers
xercise daily
yes i can - repest it
Zzzzz - rest urself

Romance

hey u robots running after CAREERS
listen to this carefully DEARS;
we fool around with a MOUSE
when it should be our SPOUSE
how long can u go on CODING
when u should be at Ooty BOATING
Life is not just COBOL,
it is also PYAR-KE-DO-BOL
life is not just C-PLUS-PLUS;
it is also PYAR-PLUS-PLUS

life is not just DEBUGGING;
it is also about HUGGING.....
so once in a while, think TWICE
life will be so NICE

Quotes ...

It is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men
to invent a sentence, to be ever in view, and which
should be true and appropriate in all times and situations.
They presented him with the words, 'And this, too, shall
pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the
hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!

--Abraham Lincoln


Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country
are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's
the other lousy two percent that get all the
publicity. But then, we elected them.

--Lily Tomlin

Naval Operations

Naval Operations
The following is an actual radio conversation released by the
Chief of Naval Operations:

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

#2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the captain of a U. S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE
U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Sport

Read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion
they lead to:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL

2. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3. The sport of choice for the front-line workers is FOOTBALL

4. The sport of choice for the supervisors is BASEBALL

5. The sport of choice for the middle management is TENNIS

6. The sport of choice for the corporate executives is GOLF.

Conclusion: the higher you are in the corporate structure, the
smaller your balls become.

Husband and Wife

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th
birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because
they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give one
wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and
boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy
picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Miss America

In an American history discussion group, the professor was
trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with
time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She
stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had
measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's
version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up,
"Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too
old."

Poor guys

Thought 1:
Life isn't fair to men. When we are born, our mother's
get the compliments and the flowers. When we are
married, our brides get the presents and the
publicity. When we die, our widows get the life
insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2:
The average man's life consists of - twenty years of
having his mother ask him where he is going; forty
years of having his wife ask the same question; and at
the end, the mourners wondering too.

School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

After life

One day Ronald took some time out from his office job.
Later in the day when he returned to his office his boss asked him, "Hey, Ron, do you believe in life after death? An afterlife?" Ron was puzzled but managed to answer:
"Why...Yes...I suppose I do!"
The boss says "Good. Because your grandfather was here looking for you after you left for his funeral."

American Born Confused Desis

We all must have heard of ABCD = American Born Confused Desi...
But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
American Born Confused Desi, Emigrated From Gujarat, Housed In Jersey,Keeping Lotsa Motels, Named Omkarnath Patel,Quickly Reached Success Through Underhanded Vicious Ways,Xenophobic Yet Zestful.

You are next

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed
that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come
up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
'You're next.'

They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.

My Money

Once a politician was walking on a street. A thief came upto him with a knife and said, "give me all your money or else I'll kill you."

The politician argued" I am a POLITITIAN you can't do this to me."

The thief said, "ok then give me all MY money!"

Heaven and Hell

HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE :
An American Salary
A British Home
Chinese Food
An Indian Wife

HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE :
An American Wife
British Food
A Chinese Home
An Indian Salary

Friendship

***
Many people will walk in and out of your life.
But only true friends will leave footprints in
your heart.

***
Friends, you and me ....
You brought another friend ....
And then there were 3 ....
We started our group ....
Our circle of friends ....
There is no beginning or end ....

***
Friends come in all shapes and sizes,
and someone doesn't have to be
exactly like you to be a good friend.
What counts is that when you're together,
you make each other smile.

***
If everybody had a friend like you,
there would be a lot more smiles in this world!

***
A friend is one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.

***
Aye, there are some good things in life,
that fall away with the rest.
And of the best things on earth,
I hold that a faithful friend is the best.

***
Smiles come easier;
laughter sounds sweeter in unison...
Two who walk a road together
walk further than someone alone.
Friendship is the strongest kind of love.