There were three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, 'I brought ten apples.'
The king then explained the trial to him. 'You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.'
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, 'Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?'
The second one replied, 'I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with coconuts.'
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Materialistic Lawyer
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front
of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As
he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off
the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As
he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off
the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
A strange Funeral
A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse(vehicle carrying the coffin) was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull(kind of dog) on a leash(strap by which the dog is held). Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
A long black hearse(vehicle carrying the coffin) was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull(kind of dog) on a leash(strap by which the dog is held). Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
Lawyer
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You re an engineer, you re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What! You ve got an engineer? That s a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."
"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I m keeping him!"
God insists, "Send him back or I ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You re an engineer, you re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What! You ve got an engineer? That s a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."
"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I m keeping him!"
God insists, "Send him back or I ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Recommendation letter
The following letter of recommendation was sent to a second-line manager:
While working with Mr. Sriram, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Sriram should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Branch Manager
A second letter soon followed:
SRIRAM WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT
MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE
LINES 1,3,5,7,... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS,
Sd/-
Branch Manager
While working with Mr. Sriram, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Sriram should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Branch Manager
A second letter soon followed:
SRIRAM WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT
MAILED TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE
LINES 1,3,5,7,... FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT OF HIM.
REGARDS,
Sd/-
Branch Manager
E-Business:
E-Business began in India and long before the rest of the world had even heard of the term. The ball was set rolling by a corrupt minister in the central government. He would write'Not Approved' on all the fiiles sent to him by his assistants. Later when he had been suitably mollified by the concerned person he would recall the file and add an 'e' to 'Not' and put a colon after the word thus changing his original remark to 'Note: Approved".
Counterfeit Notes:
Something went wrong at the forger's shop and he ended up with a bundle of counterfeit 15-rupee notes. Reluctant to scrap the lot, he decided to test their acceptability in a small town, far from the city.
Arriving there, he strolled over to a roadside tobacconist and asked for a one-rupee cigarette. His heart was in his mouth when he held out one of his 15-rupee notes to the man, but the tobacconist did not even give it a second look. He threw it into his till and handed over the change:two seven-rupee notes.
Arriving there, he strolled over to a roadside tobacconist and asked for a one-rupee cigarette. His heart was in his mouth when he held out one of his 15-rupee notes to the man, but the tobacconist did not even give it a second look. He threw it into his till and handed over the change:two seven-rupee notes.
5 Good leads
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.
Friendship
***
Many people will walk in and out of your life.
But only true friends will leave footprints in
your heart.
***
Friends, you and me ....
You brought another friend ....
And then there were 3 ....
We started our group ....
Our circle of friends ....
There is no beginning or end ....
***
Friends come in all shapes and sizes,
and someone doesn't have to be
exactly like you to be a good friend.
What counts is that when you're together,
you make each other smile.
***
If everybody had a friend like you,
there would be a lot more smiles in this world!
***
A friend is one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.
***
Aye, there are some good things in life,
that fall away with the rest.
And of the best things on earth,
I hold that a faithful friend is the best.
***
Smiles come easier;
laughter sounds sweeter in unison...
Two who walk a road together
walk further than someone alone.
Friendship is the strongest kind of love.
Many people will walk in and out of your life.
But only true friends will leave footprints in
your heart.
***
Friends, you and me ....
You brought another friend ....
And then there were 3 ....
We started our group ....
Our circle of friends ....
There is no beginning or end ....
***
Friends come in all shapes and sizes,
and someone doesn't have to be
exactly like you to be a good friend.
What counts is that when you're together,
you make each other smile.
***
If everybody had a friend like you,
there would be a lot more smiles in this world!
***
A friend is one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.
***
Aye, there are some good things in life,
that fall away with the rest.
And of the best things on earth,
I hold that a faithful friend is the best.
***
Smiles come easier;
laughter sounds sweeter in unison...
Two who walk a road together
walk further than someone alone.
Friendship is the strongest kind of love.
Three old men
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You
always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you
stand at the toilet and nothing comes
out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're
seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat
bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of
all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at
6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being
80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You
always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you
stand at the toilet and nothing comes
out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're
seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat
bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of
all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at
6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get
this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being
80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
What Should I do With the Bodies
A guy dials his home phone from work.
A strange woman answers. The guy
says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"$50,000 is a lot of money for a poor maid like me, Certainly, what do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
"OK, give me a minute", the maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause...
"Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
A strange woman answers. The guy
says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"$50,000 is a lot of money for a poor maid like me, Certainly, what do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
"OK, give me a minute", the maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause...
"Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
Microsoft Again
Once 4 friends were traveling through a car. All of them were engineers. One was an electrical engineer, other one was a chemical engineer, third was a mechanical engineer while the 4th was a software engineer from famous company called "Microsoft" (Bill gates wali). Suddenly the car stopped and all of them started starring at each other. Mechanical Engineer said "I think the battery of the car is down. Shall we have a look at it?".
Electrical Engineer said "No No I think the wiring connection must be wrong somewhere".
Chemical Engineer said "I think the pipe that takes the petrol must be choked. If fuel flow is not uniform how our car is going to move?".
Microsoft guy as cool as ever said Coolly "Well well... friends... instead of debating on what has happened I have got a solution that may work. Why don't we close all the windows, open the door, get out of car, get in again, open the windows... and car may just start as it was before."
Electrical Engineer said "No No I think the wiring connection must be wrong somewhere".
Chemical Engineer said "I think the pipe that takes the petrol must be choked. If fuel flow is not uniform how our car is going to move?".
Microsoft guy as cool as ever said Coolly "Well well... friends... instead of debating on what has happened I have got a solution that may work. Why don't we close all the windows, open the door, get out of car, get in again, open the windows... and car may just start as it was before."
Company Policy
Put 5 apes in a room. Hang a banana from the ceiling and place a ladder underneath the banana. The banana is only reachable by climbing the ladder. Have it set up so any time an ape starts to climb the ladder, the whole room is sprayed with ice cold water. In a short time, all the apes will learn not to climb the ladder.
Now take one ape out and replace him with another one, No.6, and disable the sprayer. The new ape (no. 6) will start to climb the ladder and will be attacked unmercifully by the other four apes. He will have no idea why he was attacked.
Replace another old ape with new one. The same thing will happen, with ape No. 6 doing the most hitting. Continue this pattern until all the old apes have been replaced. Now all of the apes will stay off of the ladder, attack any ape that attempts to, and have absolutely no idea why they are doing it.
This is how company policy and culture is formed!!
Now take one ape out and replace him with another one, No.6, and disable the sprayer. The new ape (no. 6) will start to climb the ladder and will be attacked unmercifully by the other four apes. He will have no idea why he was attacked.
Replace another old ape with new one. The same thing will happen, with ape No. 6 doing the most hitting. Continue this pattern until all the old apes have been replaced. Now all of the apes will stay off of the ladder, attack any ape that attempts to, and have absolutely no idea why they are doing it.
This is how company policy and culture is formed!!
A True Software Pro
Husband : Good evening dear, I am now logged in.
Wife : Have you brought the ring?
Husband : Bad command or File name.
Wife : But I told in the mornin.......
Husband : Erroneous Syntax, Abort?
Wife : What about your salary?
Husband : File in use.
Wife : What about my new saree?
Husband : Variable not found.
Wife : At least give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation, Access Denied.
Wife : Do you love me or do you only like computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters.
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married a stupid guy like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : It is by default.
Wife : By the way who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot.
Wife : Have you brought the ring?
Husband : Bad command or File name.
Wife : But I told in the mornin.......
Husband : Erroneous Syntax, Abort?
Wife : What about your salary?
Husband : File in use.
Wife : What about my new saree?
Husband : Variable not found.
Wife : At least give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation, Access Denied.
Wife : Do you love me or do you only like computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters.
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married a stupid guy like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : It is by default.
Wife : By the way who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot.
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